101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Do you smell something burning?
- What tampon?
- Try breathing through your nose.
- A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
- Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
- But whipped cream gives me the shits.
- Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
- Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
- Can you please pass me the remote control?
- Do you accept Visa?
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
- So much for mouth-to-mouth.
- Try not to leave any stains, okay?
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
- (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
- Do you get any premium movie channels?
- Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
- (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
- Got any penicillin?
- But I just brushed my teeth...
- Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- I want a baby!
- So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
- (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
- Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
- Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
- I think you have it on backwards.
- When is this supposed to feel good?
- Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
- You're good enough to do this for a living!
- Is that blood on the headboard?
- Did I remember to take my pill?
- Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
- I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
- That leak better be from the waterbed!
- I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
- So, how's your mother?
- Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
- If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
- No, really... I do this part better myself!
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
- This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
- You're almost as good as my ex!
- Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
- Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
- You look younger than you feel.
- Perhaps you're just out of practice.
- You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
- They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
- Now I know why he/she dumped you...
- Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
- You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
- I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
- Have you ever considered liposuction?
- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
- What are you planning to make for breakfast?
- I have a sickening confession...
- I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
- Are those real or am I just behind the times?
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- Is that a hanging sculpture?
- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
- Did I mention my transsexual operation?
- I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
- Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
- I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
- A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
- Does this count as a date?
- Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
- Hic! I need another beer for this please.
- I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
- You c