Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will
be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires," e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 21.5% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper f