Words Of Wisdom, Graduates!
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003!
First of all Iââ,¬â"¢d like to say congratulations to the 2003 graduates of Jefferson Technical University, central Illinoisââ,¬â"¢ third most selective commuter and community college. As the most successful member of the class of ââ,¬â"¢83 and owner of Jillââ,¬â"¢s Discount Nails and Tanning off Highway J, between the Piggly Wiggly and the Arbyââ,¬â"¢s, it is my honor and privilege to be your commencement speaker on this fine day.
As you ponder what will be your future ââ,¬â?o bank teller, systems analyst, cable technician, middle manager or even a sales representative ââ,¬â?o it is important that you dream. And even more important that you listen to my sage-like wisdom.
Ladies, if you donââ,¬â"¢t have boyfriend, find one immediately. And for those in a relationship, do what you can to get the rock ASAP. Itââ,¬â"¢s difficult to find a man if you have an education and impossible without your youth. Invest all your money in beauty products, tanning and diet pills. Trust me, itââ,¬â"¢s an investment with the best possible ROI.
Gentlemen, keep your eye on the future. Make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. Invest it all in a fast car. Hot girls like fast cars.
If your estranged son dies in a mysterious field 15 years later, donââ,¬â"¢t just read about it in the newspapers ââ,¬â?o send some flowers or money or a card with glitter and seagulls.
If you manage to suffer at a demeaning, coffee-fetching position for at least 5 months, be sure to take plenty of notes for a future tell-all book exposing those assholes at Rent-a-Center.
Be careful where you stick it because it might just fall off.
Do not lick the handrails on the bus, no matter how tasty they may appear.
Always pack a good book and a better gun.
When you have a one-night stand at Darrellââ,¬â"¢s off the interstate, make sure itââ,¬â"¢s with a trucker or traveler you wonââ,¬â"¢t run into after that night. You donââ,¬â"¢t want any awkward moments when youââ,¬â"¢re getting you eyes checked or eating at the new Italian restaurant. And use as much birth control as you can find ââ,¬â?o you donââ,¬â"¢t want to end up with the most dreaded STD ââ,¬â?o the baby virus.
Take out as many credit cards as you qualify for - after all, you're an adult now and entitled to big-ticket purchases. Don't worry about paying them back, Citibank understands that theyââ,¬â"¢ll get their money eventually. They canââ,¬â"¢t bill you in hell, but they can bill your unfortunate progeny.
Travel and see the world. As founding father Benjamin Franklin once said, ââ,¬Å"You havenââ,¬â"¢t been to France until you sleep with 8 underage girls at once.ââ,¬Â
Never buy your drugs on credit, no matter how much the dealer says he trusts you. Itââ,¬â"¢s a good way to guarantee youââ,¬â"¢ll get hurt.
To everyone else ââ,¬â?o friends of graduates, family members, court-appointed guardians ââ,¬â?o this is a celebration. Now letââ,¬â"¢s all meet in the parking lot to drink wine-flavored Mad Dog 20/20!