000

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

A printer consists of 3 main parts: The Jammed Paper Tray The Power Switch and The flashing red light Also......If

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

A doctor is walking down the street and sees a

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed,

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands

The American Dairy Association was so successful

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

How is woman's period different than the 2000 presidential

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

What weighs 2000 pounds and lays at the bottom

What's green with 20,000 assholes? A St.Patrick's

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette,

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

How many animals can you fit on a toilet ?

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

One day, a little boy asks his father what the

A guy decides it's time he got married. He gives

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

What has 500,000 feet and still can't walk? Jerry's

This mafia family was in need of a collection

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000

Nursery Crimes: Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,kissed

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

A man named George was new in the city and needed

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

There are approximately two billion children (persons

What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches? An

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

A happy little mouse was walking along one day

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

    This is an actual job application

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

      AT&T fired President John

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

    A woman walks into her accountant's

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

I have an earache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey,

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron,

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"