Because

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

Why is the department called IM? Because they can't spell IT.

Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go............they take your house and car

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class: "Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sound of

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because

Egg-Laying Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because

Why did God stop making pegasuses? Because it

Why is being in the military like getting a blow

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

What''s that over there? Not a bull, but a person

The American Indians have nicknamed George W Bush

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70? A: Because

Q: Why is the math book always upset? A: Because

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors office? A:

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven

A zebra went up to the zookeeper and said, "Am

Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he

Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afganistan? A:

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television.

Two blondes and a brunette fell off a cliff, handing

Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest tits in

Yo mama so ugly, I asked her if her face hurt because

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning? A:

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

Yo mama so poor she beat up a gumball machine because

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Q: Why does the TV like the remote? A: Because

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by

A blonde was working on a puzzle. After ten hard

Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church? A:

A doctor is walking down the street and sees a

Why did the blonde go up on top of the bar? Because

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart? Because

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

Why can't you hear bunnies having sex? Because

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a

One day a blonde went into a department store.

A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus

Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw

Why did the gypsy walk funny? Because he had crystal

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses,

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the

Why cant blondes make ice cubes? Because they

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." -

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

Why is 77 better than 69? Because you get eight

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

The American Dairy Association was so successful

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

A very religious man lived right next door to an

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

1. They always wear protection 2. They

Recently, I was at a professional football game

P. Diddy, Britney Spears, and Eminem all die and

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

There was this man walking on the beach and he

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole

Why has the Enron scandal been so hard on ESL teachers? Because

The real reason the administration doesn't want

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the

Why do some blondes only think about sex? Because

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Why don't people from the University of Southern

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Why did Harry Potter have to repeat his first year

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five

Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time

Why did Al Gore get a belly ring? Because

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to

Why did the professional baseball player cross

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Ram: Why are you drinking tea with the help of

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because

What's grosser than gross? Ten babies in one mail

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Why did the chicken run onto the football field? Because

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

Q. Why did Pepsi hire Britney Spears to do their

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration? A:

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

The way this game works is every time the word

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack,

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns

Why don't women need watches? Because there's

There were these three guys at a football game

Why do they call a horse a horse. Because they

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

You might be a redneck if you're late for your

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens,

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Why can't DJ's play pool? Because they always

Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex, England? Because

Why do baby chicks say "cheap, cheap, cheap?" Because

A man went over to his girl's place for a little

"Hey, how's your face feeling?" "Fine. Why?" "Because

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup

Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops? Because he

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?

Why are fish so smart? Because they live

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad

Why do they put bells on cows? Because

Why do monsters have such big nostrils? Because

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says,

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

Why does Santa have huge balls? Because he only

Q: Why did the chickenhead cross the road? A:

A man jumps off a building at the same time that

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

Why did the two knives go to the dance together?

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their

Q. What is the square root of sixty-nine? A.

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

Q: Why does Ford still manufacture cars and trucks?

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone

Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

Why did God create man? Because vibrators

Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo

Why don't little girls fart? Because they

"Did you hear they are thinking of changing the

Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Q: Why were the bones chasing the skull? A: Because

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

Okay, let's just get off mamas because I just got

Three nuns went to a football game and three men

Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test?

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks

Why dont lesbians ever cook? Because they always

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A

Why can't Frankenstein's monster have sex? Because

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman?

Never say anything about a man until you have walked

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

A woman went into a department store and told the

Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A:

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Why don't politicians use bookmarks? Because

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to

Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can

Why did Dennis Rodman get kicked out of the game?

On a sunny day, two fathers and two sons went fishing.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

Q: Why doesn't Australia have any cheerleaders?

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? Because he saw

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was

Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

Why does it take longer to run from second base

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because

A little boy came home from school one day and

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot -- because you

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers

Why do women have sex with their eyes closed?

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

Q: Why did the Pervert cross the road? A:

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

Have you been eating cake lately? Because you look

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and water?

Why wouldn't the members of N'Sync join the cast

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks at work?

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

Why do men float better than women? Because

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

Why can Captain Kirk hear so well? Because

Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

Why is Tigger always so dirty? Because he

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Why does a blonde put perfume on her ankles?

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

Do you know why Santa is always so happy? Because

Why are drummers like laxatives? Because they

Why can't girls play hockey? Because their

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and

Q:Why was the ghost arrested? A:Because it had

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples

Q: What golfing what foursome do you never want

If a woman could change a man into any mammal,

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

Q: Why is a bathroom called a “rest room?”

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried

Why can't Chinese couples have white babies? Because

Why don't witches have children? Because their

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because

Why do ghosts always shake and moan? Because it's

Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make

THE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes

Once there was a church that had a bell that no

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

Why are men like laxatives? Because they irritate

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

Why ain't women been put on the moon? Because

A woman had been married so many times she was

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

Why do birds fly upside down over Iowa? Because

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?

Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was

Q: Why do gorillas have big noses? A: Because

Why can't you shoot up marijuana? Because

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: Because

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

Q: How do you know the Virgin Mary had PMS? A:

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'?

Why did the rooster cross the road? Because the

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

You can tell when you're a Redneck when you walk

Why do elephants have four feet? Because six

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

Why did the ram fall off the cliff? Because

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

Why don't blondes take birth control pills?

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning?

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

Did you hear about the blonde and the weight loss

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

A blonde came home from school one day and said

Why do dogs lick themselves? Because they can.

A women is getting married for her fourth time

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

Q. Why is it called the wonder bra? A. Because

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

Q: Why don't the girls in San Francisco wear miniskirts?

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

Why do wives live longer than their husbands?

Q: How come they don't have ice in Poland?

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

Q: Why do they pay sperm donors? A: Because otherwise

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

Why did Ariel blush? Because the sea weed!

Why are Iranians so smart? Because none of

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with

Why do women rub there eys when they getup in the

Why don't women need driver's licenses? Because

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

Q: Why is Santa always so jolly? A: Because

Why was the rooster so unhappy? Because

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having

Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

What is the smallest hotel in the world? A

Q: What's E.T. short for? A: Because he has

Why did the jelly wobble? Because it saw the

Why are men the smartest during sex? Because

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

Why is an upside-down blonde so funny? Because

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed

Why do the smurfs luagh when they frolic through

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it, "Form 1040?"

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? Because

Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Q: How do you know that God's a blonde? A:

There was a guy walking down the street in San

Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they

Why are there hardly any dental professionals in

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb

Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Why don't you take a Pokemon into the bathroom

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Because

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the

Why does it take longer to build a snowman than

Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

Women claim that computers should be referred to

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was

Why don't rabbits make noise when they're making

Q: How come Frankenstein couldn't have kids? A:

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling? A:

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

Why was the skeleton so cool? Because he was

Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

During his deposition Vernon Jordan was asked why

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting

Why doesn't a woman need a car? Because you

One day there were three boys walking down the

Why is diarrhea hereditary? Because it runs in

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Q: Why do prostitutes make more money than drug

Why'd the redneck cross the road? Because he

Q: Why did God create women? A: Because God

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

Why do blondes go to Sears? Because the boys

Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they

Why did the belt get locked up? Because he

What's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles.

Why is Clinton having such a hard time deciding

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

Did you hear about that big fire at the local gay

There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy

Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains?

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake. "Why?"

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

''I would like to see a woman dentist,'' said the

A blonde lady nervously took her typewriter to

At the basketball game why did the blonde say,

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they

Why do blonde cowgirls walk bow-legged? Because

A ship captain always asks for his red shirt when

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know

Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's coffin.

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

How many men does it take to put down a toilet

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps

Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?

Why are Blondes like pianos? Because when they're

Yo' mama is so stupid she told everyone that she

Yo' mama is so fat we went to the drive-in and

Q: What day of the week is the best day to get

How come Texas A&M couldn't put on a nativity

Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

Why did the bunny hop around on one leg? Because

Why can't gypsies have children? Because their

A man walking his son in the park one day came

Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? Because Donald

Why is a blonde's top speed 68 mph? Because

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because

Why can't witches have babies. Because their

Q: Why don't they let blondes swim in the ocean?

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she

Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby

Why does an elephant have four feet? Because

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide?

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

To my darling wife: During the past year,

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children? A:

Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to

A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher,

Q: Why do hippos have sex underwater? A: Because

Q: Why does a chicken lay eggs? A: Because

Q: Why can't blondes parallel park? A: Because

A man came home from work to find his girlfriend

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when

Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead

Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

How come only forty percent of women go to heaven?

Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?

Yo' mama so stupid she sent you to rehab because

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's

Why do women like hunters? 1) Because they always

Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? Because

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because

Q: Why are lesbians so lazy? A: Because they

Why do ants dance on jam jars? Because the

Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally

Q: Why do the Dallas Cowboys now play on dirt?

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick

After the church service, a little boy told the

Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?A:

Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's

You might be a redneck if you can't get married

You might be a redneck if your father walks you

Q. Why did God invent men? Because vibrators can't

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes." The

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

How did we know that Monica would testify? Because

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

An old man from a far off land was once on the

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

In the human body, which organ is in charge? All

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

    What to not say to the nice

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

    Marol spent her wedding night

Q: Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote for the

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

    Psychologists have discovered

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because

    A herd of buffalo can only move

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70? A: Because

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

It is near the end of the school year.  The

There has been a recent discovery among archives

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found

Why was former President Clinton so interested

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

A judge was punishing three men because they had

    For all you guys out there who

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

When a woman wears leather clothing: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, and

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

for All Those Men Who Say, " Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free" Here's An Update For

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket. 9. You spend

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter..... "One afternoon

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?"

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

so michael jackson is on his private plane...and he's in the back with a bunch of little boys. So