Break

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

An Asian guy is having his "SNACK" (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

Egg-Laying Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

CNN Late Breaking News! It has been reported that

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch"

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

What's the perfect break-up present to send someone

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

In "Fellowship of the Rings," what did Sauron say

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break,

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

George W. Bush was caught breaking the White House

A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

How do you break a blonde's nose? Place a dildo

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

How did Helen Keller break her arms? Trying

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks at work?

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where

Why do drunks throw up in the sewer? So homeless

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home

What do a whore and a bungee jumper have in common?

The world is going to end in three days, so God

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

A guy applied for a job at a post office and got

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Q: What does a bum call a dumpster. A: Bed and

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple went to church every week, but every

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

(repeat ketchup and liquor after every phrase)

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

What is the difference between a parachute and

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

What do bungee jumpers and men have in common?

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Q: Why does a chicken lay eggs? A: Because

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

When an attractive young girl returned from her

You are so poor, thieves break in and leave things.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" A: When

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

Are you considering having children? To determine

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

There was this couple who had been married for

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

    Psychologists have discovered

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

    One morning, while she was making

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

Dear __________________________,    

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why do blondes have

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man,

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment,

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. "I

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all