Early

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.So

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

There were three priests in a railroad station,

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

There was a competition to cross the English channel

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

A young mother was having a consultation with a

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

The England team's training session was delayed

A husband comes home early from work and catches

3 men die and go to heaven. One's a marine, one's

Did you hear what Lizzie Grubman did Friday night? Crashed

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

The election is over the results are well known The

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

These three married couples died and when they

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

There was a contruction worker who was working

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A man comes home from work early to find his wife

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

A minister wound up the services one morning by

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Did you hear about that big fire at the local gay

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton happened to die

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

To my darling wife: During the past year,

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly 18 months

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

1) Chest Trays 2) NFRU (Not for Recreational

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

    The Penis requests a promotion

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for

Back in the early 80's Chevy Chase was one of the stars on Password. Toward the end of the game this

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well