PEOPLE

Gordon Brown, George Bush and Saparmurat Niyazov are flying to a world economic summit. Saparmurat looks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?""I

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair,

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

A guy was speeding down the road when suddenly

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

Where do one legged people work? IHOP!!

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

Why do people in vermont were kilts? Sheep can

There were five blondes and one brunette holding

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Why do the French Smell? So blind people can hate

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." -

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

The American Dairy Association was so successful

Yo mama so big, every time her beeper goes off,

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington,

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

Your mama''s glasses are so thick that when she

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

A young mother was having a consultation with a

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Why don't people from the University of Southern

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? Lace

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

A Syrian guy walked into a cafe. He sees a Lebanese

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Q: What are dentists? A: People who failed medical

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning

What's gross? German porn. What's grosser than

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

The election is over the results are well known The

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration? A:

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

Q. What did saggy boob say to the other saggy

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were

Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

All good Southerners already know these, but in

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

The dummy heard that most people are killed within

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Yo mama is so fat when her beeper went off people

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound

5. "Sure we could have these people killed to

Four people are in an airplane: the president,

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her

What's 72? 69 with 3 people watching!

Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan?

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

Q: What is a double-wide salad? A: It's for people

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

The difference between computers and people?

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

A mother took her kid to the park one day and the

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

A missionary has spent years teaching agriculture

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains,

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Why do drunks throw up in the sewer? So homeless

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

There are three kinds of people in the world --

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because

A man is driving down the road and notices a car

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

You know you're a redneck when people say you lie

There was this bartender & he was working at the

A man went to apply for a job. After filling

This guy with a really small head walks into a

There was this little boy who had no name. One

One day there were four people absent from class.

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

Did you hear about the blonde and the weight loss

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. ''He

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

One day a boy and his mother were watching Cinemax

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

There are five people on a plane that's crashing.

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Q: Who has the right of way any time? A: The

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

I just got a skylight put into my place -- the

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

This priest was driving to his church when he saw

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

Yo mama is so fat, she wore leather pants to a

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

Q: Where do one-legged people eat? A: IHOP

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and

A minister wound up the services one morning by

A man named George was new in the city and needed

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

What's red and furry and tackles people? Tackle

What do you call the moisture between two people

How many people can you fit in one Honda? Well,

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Yo' mama's breath stinks so bad, people look forward

How many people does it take to screw in a light

Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

Yo' mama so fat, she wears a polka dot dress and

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing

Guns don't kill people. Texans kill people.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

There once was a boy who named Odd. A lot of people

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

Do you know why blind people don't skydive?

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

Man: Doc, you've gotta help me. I'm hearing voices

How are lawyers like whores? They both get

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

A minister has just died and is standing in line

Your mama's like a roller coaster...she has her

A college psychology class was studing human reaction

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

What do you get when you have 50 lesbians and 50

You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

    Some people are sitting in a

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

One day a group of eminent scientists got together

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke,

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

A family was having some people to dinner. At

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

An old man from a far off land was once on the

    Dick Cheney, President Bush

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Two young guys were picked up

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people

    What to not say to the nice

1) You define summer as three months of bad

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

    Four old Catholic women are

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

    Psychologists have discovered

    Stupid people should have to

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A:

Two church members were going door to door, and

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.Ã, 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Those who have it would be devastated if it

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

    'Twas the night before Christmas

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

Run one lap around the office at top speed

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Our Rights: The following was written by State

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. If swimming is so good for your

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of