Someone

- Is it true that you stole his bride? - Of course. - Did someone help you? - Of course. His pare

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A company boss has to decide who to lay someone

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by

Adam was in the Garden of Eden feeling lonely when

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington,

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

What's the perfect break-up present to send someone

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Don't knock masturbation... It's sex with someone

Don't knock masturbation... It's sex with someone

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

You might be a redneck if the most common phrase

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

There was this Indian who just came back from a

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. "You

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

What do you call someone in the White House who

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

I'm gonna tell you a joke that'll make your tits

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Is that your head or did someone plant a pumpkin

What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan

What do Andrew Cunanan and Pee Wee Herman have

The preacher was very distraught after the death

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he

Do you take offense when someone blows in your

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There was this little boy who had no name. One

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

If someone ever says, “What are you staring

1. The only place in North America to get bombed

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

If someone says "fuck you," just simply reply,

1. See how many teenage boys you can gather by

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

How do you keep someone stupid occupied? By

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucious

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

There were three men in a bar. All three were

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

Pussy Hair: Nature's dental floss Hermaphroditic

A boy baby and a girl baby are lying in their crib

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

This Koala bear hires a hooker on the streets of

Y'know yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!"

If someone hit your peter with a pan you'd fly

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

When someone says: ''Suck it'' or ''Blow me,''

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

What is the difference between a parachute and

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Q: Why is a fire truck red? A: If someone

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Why didn't they make two Yogi Bears? Cause

A man walking his son in the park one day came

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Did you know that someone from West Virginia invented

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

    This is an actual job application

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

      AT&T fired President John

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in

These two eggs had just been married and were on

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

    'Twas the night before Christmas

An FM station has a competition where they ring

Run one lap around the office at top speed

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Our Rights: The following was written by State

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962),

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

This is important information just in case. Symptoms of the Bird Flu... The Center for Disease

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

an elephant and a camel meet on a road: Elephantl: Say, why is it you camels have your breasts on