Stand

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

BOY : I can't leave you..GIRL : Do you love me so much??BOY : It's not that. You're standing on my foot.SHARON

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

An old man was sitting on a bench crying when a lady approached him and asked if she could help. The

Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10,

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested, "I am looking for a spouse.

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

Two little potatoes are standing on the street

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

The Principal of an elementary school went into

Q:Whatââ,¬â"¢s funnier than kicking a zombie

Knock knock You dumb ass, Iââ,¬â"¢m the

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl/guy

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

CNN Late Breaking News! It has been reported that

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed,

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

James was on the beach, and could not understand

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

Ice Cube Mix Tricycle Kickstand Solar Flashlight Dehydrated

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife:

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

What do u call a blonde doing a handstand? A

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break,

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

Military Joke What does marine stand for? Muscles

Q. What does marine stand for? A. My Ass Rides

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

At one point during a game, the coach said to one

POST GAME DISCUSSION Two Rams fans were standing

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven,

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

There once was this guy who was going on a date

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

A black cow was standing in the middle of the

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of

A drunk is driving through the city and his car

Yo mama is so poor, she needs a kickstand to hold

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

Why are women's feet so small? So they can

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near

Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

What's grosser than gross? When you're sitting

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

What does WIFE stand for? Washing, Ironing,

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first

A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter.

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?

How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing

Why do women have sex with their eyes closed?

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

Yo' mama so fat, she has a kickstand on her pegleg!

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

There's a fine line between fishing and standing

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

In order to assure the highest levels of quality

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

The European Union commissioners have announced

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

As I stand here, and try to piss I think of the

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains

Why are blonde jokes so short? So the guys telling

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A girl was standing talking to her friends when

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

What do you call 10 blondes standing in a circle? A

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. ''He

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent,

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

There was a woman who was interested in getting

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

There were these two vampires talking. One says

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

One day a medical professor and his class were

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

Two prostitutes are standing on the corner and

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

There was a guy walking down the street in San

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Women claim that computers should be referred to

What does XXX stand for in a porno film? It's

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Susan was standing on a street corner when Bob

What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing

Abe and Sara are in their 80's. One day Abe comes

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken

What does WIFE stand for? Washing, Ironing,

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

There was a guy walking down the street when he

What does D.A.M stand for? Mothers

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

Why don't men trust or understand women? Who

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

These three guys got together one day and were

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

What is confusion? Confusion is 20 lesbians

Two guys were working for the city. One would

It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for

This newlywed couple is in bed and the man rolls

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store,

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

Q: What kind of tricycle does a blonde have?

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

Did you get any under the tree? I think your

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

What do you call a buncha blondes standing ear

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher,

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

A minister has just died and is standing in line

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

You're so small you could milk a cow standing up.

This lady is throwing a party where each guest

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?

This guy is takin' a leak in a public restroom

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

You might be a redneck if... your lifelong goal

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

Q: What does K-mart stand for? A: Kuz Mexicans

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

    For the first time in many years,

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

    What to not say to the nice

Two kids were having the standard argument about

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

    Marol spent her wedding night

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...compliment her, cuddle

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill,

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

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I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

My other car is a bomb This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings Allah is my co-pilot My

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big,

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

Father O''Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, An autopsy professor was giving an introductory

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so