Yourself

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges,

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Women claim that computers should be referred to

There was a father and son who went on a fishing

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

There was an old lady walking down the streets

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

      AT&T fired President John

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

    For the first time in many years,

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

    Psychologists have discovered

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

    A herd of buffalo can only move

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

Run one lap around the office at top speed

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

Our Rights: The following was written by State

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

Dear __________________________,    

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son:

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't