about

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cahier after learning the combination to the safe and had

Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden,

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall- I am very sorry about that, I didn't see you I

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

There were four country churches in a small Texas

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?A:

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

A guy was speeding down the road when suddenly

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

A little rabbit is running happily through the

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A:

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Did you here about the 80 lbs. man with the 40

Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke

Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white

A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix

Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years. Just

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Adam was in the Garden of Eden feeling lonely when

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

Have you heard about the man who did it with a

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

Did you hear about the boy bubble who chased the

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President

Did you hear about the evil tuna? Rumor has it

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses,

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series

1. "You get this round and the next round is on

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far

There was a competition to cross the English channel

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

A drunken man walks into a pub. Curious about the

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls? You

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A husband is at home watching a football game when

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

A kid came home from school and asked his dad,

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher? She

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

Why do some blondes only think about sex? Because

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

An English professor told her students that there

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

Did you hear the one about the Pope and the smokin'-hot

Yo mama's mama is such a fat, hairy, dumb, stank,

What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and

Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A GOOD ONE... enjoy. There was this case in the

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

How can you tell a plane is filled with actors? When

What's grosser than gross? Dreaming about eating

What's grosser than gross? When you are dreaming

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

Bush happens Life is like a box of chocolates.

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper.

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

What does Hannibal Lector say about Britney Spears

Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration? A:

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The

During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors

Three old men were talking about how much their

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

Three couples went in to see the minister about

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

There once was this group of strange beings called

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?"

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was

Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Did you hear about the man who joined a nudist

There once was this guy who was going on a date

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

Did you hear about the new gay sit-com? It's

There was an old professor who started every class

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

Did you hear about the gay midget? He just

Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie —

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late

One day, a woman comes out with a bunch of trash

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse

One day three men were walking along and came upon

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on

One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Didja hear about the corduroy pillow? It's making

Q: Did you hear about the blind circumcisor? A:

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were both fighting

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

A young priest is unhappy with how little money

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells

Q: Did you hear about the narcoleptic priest?

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school.

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

A man with an average handicap decides to play

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

A local reporter was interviewing locals about

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

Did you hear about the first Viagra Baby? 7

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Never say anything about a man until you have walked

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender

One day there was a woman who was about to have

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

Did you hear about the new Netscape and Yahoo merger?

Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped

You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

The taxi driver picks up a nun. After a little

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

Did you hear about the woman who was waging a war

One day a government worker was digging through

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding,

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest

"Do you ever get horny?" said one widow to the

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A mother took her kid to the park one day and the

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there.

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

A truck driver was driving down the highway when

A woman was being raped by an escaped mental patient.

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

How many feminists does it take to change a light

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man

Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

What is the best thing about getting head from

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

Did you hear about the man that was born with both

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger? The

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

Did you hear about the gay French General?

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery? In

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

Did you hear the one about the rope? Nah, I'll

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

Did you hear about the blonde who didn't catch

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

There were these two bums and they were hungry

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked

Did you hear about the florist's twins? Why

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

The preacher was very distraught after the death

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

A guy applied for a job at a post office and got

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient:

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

There was a contruction worker who was working

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored

A blonde owned a small business that she was about

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Your armpits are so smelly they make speedstick

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

Do you take offense when someone blows in your

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

A man is fibbing away about how great things

Three men were sitting in a bar one day. they were

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth

A man asked God how much a million dollars was

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died,

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

Knock knock. Who's there? Sham. Sham who? I

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

Did you here about the man that died from eating

Most wives whose husbands fool around have to

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

Did you know their making a movie about the Grand

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

A married couple was walking down the street when

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

Did you hear about the guy who had a dick transplant?

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

This mafia family was in need of a collection

Three guys were captured in Iraq as American spies

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

Did you hear about the blonde and the weight loss

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

Ron Hextal, the Flyer's goalie, was so upset about

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

John: "Did you hear the one about the father shoe?" Sara:

There was a woman who was interested in getting

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

There were these two vampires talking. One says

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

Q: Did you hear about the lady who wanted to buy

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided

Did you hear about Dolly Parton passing out on

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and

One day, three boys were talking about what they

Guy 1: Hey! Why do you smoke cigarettes even though

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

I just got a skylight put into my place -- the

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

Did you hear about the guy who screwed his sister-in-law?

I'm glad you're short. It gives me less to complain

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

A prostitute on the street was approached by a

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Three little boys were sitting around talking about

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A man was stranded on an island for two years,

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

Did you hear about the midget that went to a

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

One day a blonde and her friend and their parents

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A guy is about to be married, and he's thinking

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

What's the difference between oooh and ahhhh?

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

This Koala bear hires a hooker on the streets of

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The

A nun was telling some other nuns about how she

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You

These three guys got together one day and were

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

Yo Mama is about as useless as a screen door on

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

Three women were sitting around talking about their

Did you hear about that big fire at the local gay

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

Have you heard about the new mint flavored birth

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.

These two boys were talking about their sex lives

What is everything a plumber needs to know about

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving

Did you hear about the logger that went to Alaska?

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

Did you hear about the Irish lamp post? It peed

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition.

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

Did you hear about the blonde who was so stupid

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

A grade school teacher was asking students what

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

A car decided not to stop for a stop sign but

The young fellow was about to be married and was

There were three extremely poor men. They were

Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

Did you hear about the new pick up line going

A man walking his son in the park one day came

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

Whats the thinnest book in the world? "What

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

Question: What is the irritating part about a blonde's

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A:

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A:

There was a man once that was always talking about

A happy little mouse was walking along one day

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?

A telemarketer was trying to make a particularly

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny

Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up.

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

Can you guess what I am? I am about six inches

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He

To my darling wife: During the past year,

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

Did you hear about the fella with square balls?

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

One friend was talking with another friend about

Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Did you hear about the lady at Wal-Mart that was

Did you hear about the midget that went into the

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

A minister has just died and is standing in line

A businessman was about to go on a long business

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

A college psychology class was studing human reaction

A couple was boasting to another couple about their

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

What's the difficult thing about eating vegetables?

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get

Did you hear about the leper poker game? One

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

Hey, did ya hear about the John Bobbitt doorbell?

Have you heard about the blonde psychology major

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing

The difference between yo mama and a blue whale?

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?About

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

    A guy sticks his head into a

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

    A couple go to Mexico City for

At a southern university, students in the psychology

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

    White House staffers were perplexed

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that

One day a group of eminent scientists got together

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

A mortician was working late one night. It was

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

If the government is going to put health warning

These two guys meet after not having seen each

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

We all know those cute little computer symbols

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

A young couple were married and they were having

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

A women desperately looking for work goes into

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

    On preparing to return home

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

    A few months ago, there was

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Are you considering having children? To determine

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

    A businessman boards a flight

    A trucker who had driven his

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

    A young reporter once covered

    What to not say to the nice

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Two kids were having the standard argument about

    Four old Catholic women are

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

Three friends die in a car accident and they

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

    Psychologists have discovered

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

    One day, a mechanic was working

One day, Ole and Lena were out driving around the

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

Ã, Ã, Ã,  An Egyptian man is walking through

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Those who have it would be devastated if it

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

An FM station has a competition where they ring

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

    For all you guys out there who

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) 

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

Dear __________________________,    

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

    Dear Son,    

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see.

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey,

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said,

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were

01/20/09 - End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway If You Want a

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

One day god is in a really good mood and looks down from the heavens and sees a statue of a man and

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer:

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why do blondes have

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below.

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment,

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and

so michael jackson is on his private plane...and he's in the back with a bunch of little boys. So

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason