actually

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

I saw an interview in which an expert on military

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ''Flu?''

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A couple had been married for many years, and their

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

There was a woman who was interested in getting

Happiness is finding out your girlfriend doesn't

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

This is actually a true story that happened to

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A grade school teacher was asking students what

Did you know, on a cool, still dark night, you

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

    This is an actual job application

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Three engineering students were gathered together

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

1) You define summer as three months of bad

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

Run one lap around the office at top speed

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter..... "One afternoon

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: