again

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer "Ok." Tech Support: "Did

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a trainAlong come this woman and seeing

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed,

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

The president and Mrs. Bush are in the front row

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt.

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

A little rabbit is running happily through the

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender,

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television.

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American,

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

A man at a retirement home was walking around with

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

At a club, 50 Cent, Britney Spears, and JLO are

This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." -

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

A farmer just got married and was going home on

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

The England team's training session was delayed

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

How do you kill a marine? Throw sand against the

Gumor said to Selma. Selma can I put my finger

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them

On her way to Grandma's house, Little Red Riding

Knock knock Who's there? Britney Spears Britney

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

At one point during a game, the coach said to one

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game

As a pre-med student at Washington University in

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

"Honey, let's have sex," says the husband. "Wait

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

A man was working on a preacher's car in a garage

There once was this guy who was going on a date

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

One day Jesus wanted to test his disciples. So

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says,

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

A man with an average handicap decides to play

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

This guy was driving along a country road. Along

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

A woman went into a department store and told the

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

There's this midget with a speech impediment who

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over

A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom,

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he

There is this third grade class with this kid named

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

One day a government worker was digging through

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

One fine sunny morning a man decides to go golfing.

Goddamn motherfuckin' son-of-a-bitch, He parked

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

One day a teacher went into her class room and

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a

A woman was being raped by an escaped mental patient.

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

I've fucked in the sun, I've fucked in the rain.

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

After World War II, an American soldier was going

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner

As I stand here, and try to piss I think of the

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A couple had been married for many years, and their

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh,

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

A couple went to church every week, but every

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas,

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

The was a man named George who got a new job.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

There was a man who just got out of the army.

This mafia family was in need of a collection

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

One day as President Clinton was getting off the

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

One day a man is walking along the beach and sees

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby,

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

There was this man who really had to go to the

There was an Asian lady who married an English

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

There was a guy walking down the street in San

Superman was flying around the city and was super

A biology class student conducted an experiment

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

1) Wine her. 2) Dine her. 3) Call her. 4) Hug

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

Abe and Sara are in their 80's. One day Abe comes

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter.

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

What does D.A.M stand for? Mothers

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

Q: Why do prostitutes make more money than drug

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Once there was a farmer with three sons. One day

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.

Once a man saw a board outside his friend's office

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked

There was a chicken and a horse playing together

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

Two guys were working for the city. One would

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

A ship captain always asks for his red shirt when

This is actually a true story that happened to

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

Q: How does a blonde guy take a shower? A:

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

There once was a toad who was a bit different than

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

Yo' mama is so fat when she fell over she rocked

A couple has been together for thirty years and

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

The horniest guy in the world is stuck on an island

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

A little boy is walking along on a nude beach.

A man walking his son in the park one day came

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

Did you get any under the tree? I think your

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

One day two girls were trying out for the school

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would

You might be a redneck if you can't get married

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

A married man goes to confessional and tells the

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

    A couple go to Mexico City for

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

If the government is going to put health warning

These two guys meet after not having seen each

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

    A woman walks into her accountant's

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me,

After several years of serving the church in a

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

    On preparing to return home

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that

A man was walking down the street when he noticed

    A young reporter once covered

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

    Marol spent her wedding night

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

    Every night after dinner, Merle

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

Two church members were going door to door, and

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

Run one lap around the office at top speed

    Monica walks into her dry cleaning

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

One day god is in a really good mood and looks down from the heavens and sees a statue of a man and

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son:

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you? So

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

Rejected Titles Before Settling on BrokeBack Mountain: HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE,

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass. 85% of women said that

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. "Buy a puppy Ma'am?"

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

for All Those Men Who Say, " Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free" Here's An Update For

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and he

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery,

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day,

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: - Hello! - At what time does the

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says:

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting