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DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

An infamous killer is on death row. He is allowed

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A guy came home one day after getting fired from

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

What did the ghost get for Halloween? Some Booo-T

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween? Dead.

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count? Eminem

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

These three married couples died and when they

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

What do you call a blonde bird? A swallow!

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

Yo Mama's so ugly, on halloween, she had to trick-or-treat

One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when

A brunette is walking through the country, when

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

A man gets on a bus with only a nun and the driver.

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Q: What's the difference between like, love and

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive

10) Your mom. 9) Piss in the wind. 8) Spit straight

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween? A:

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus,

What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

A blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

1. The only place in North America to get bombed

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

Q. What is the diference between like and love?

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween,

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say: 10. I think Barry

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

What's Bill Clinton's favorite game? Swallow

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

      AT&T fired President John

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

Are you considering having children? To determine

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

I have an earache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween

Dear __________________________,    

September 15     

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said,

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records.

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well