another

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu,

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Q: What did one chair say to another chair? A:

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

At a club, 50 Cent, Britney Spears, and JLO are

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Whats another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Remake of "Roots" starring Michael Jackson Performance

How does one human embryo talk to another human

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

frederick the slimy cock was sucking penis when

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

A man was walking down the beach when he found

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

Two women, one from the north and one from the

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

Q. What is another word for lesbian? A. Vagi-terian

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

A man jumps off a building at the same time that

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk,

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

This guy was driving along a country road. Along

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

From: General Manager To: Departmental

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

A teacher was teaching a class of five year olds

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone

What another word for a gay farmer? A jolly

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if

The preacher was very distraught after the death

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

A couple had been married for many years, and their

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Q: What did one undertaker say to the other?

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet.

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

One day there were four people absent from class.

How do you make 100 old ladies yell, "FUCK!" at

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian,

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man:

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

What did one undertaker say to the other? Pass

There were these two vampires talking. One says

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

1) You always know if you are the first one to

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every

The teacher was checking her student roster on

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came

A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

A biology class student conducted an experiment

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

Want to hear a dirty joke? A man fell in mud.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

There are approximately two billion children (persons

What's another name for undercover cops? Pigs-in-a-blanket.

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

Q: What's another name for a tampon? A: Beaver

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

What is another name for a masturbating bull?

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

There was a doctor that had been having sex with

One friend was talking with another friend about

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

A couple was boasting to another couple about their

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

There were three men working at the top of a building.

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told

Did you know that there are 265 bones in the human

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy,

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?A. Dill-dough!

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

You might be a redneck if you only need another

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

    Some people are sitting in a

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

Three engineering students were gathered together

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

      AT&T fired President John

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

After several years of serving the church in a

There are three men in a hotel each wanting

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

The following letters were taken from an actual

    A few months ago, there was

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

    What to not say to the nice

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

A man and a woman who have never met before find

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

    The following information was

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

    Monica walks into her dry cleaning

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Our Rights: The following was written by State

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

    Dear Son,    

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey,

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 8 - You take her

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3.Press

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Enter

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

Three ladies sitting in a doctors office. One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting