answer

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?""I

Q: In Europe, what do you call a female wearing sunglasses and a big hat?A: A rich ladyQ: In China, what

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go

Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Bush's mother prayed fervently that GW would grow

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case

A little rabbit is running happily through the

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

A question had appeared in a student's medical

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks,

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered. "May

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

A local reporter was interviewing locals about

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over

A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom,

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A fellow strolled up to a lady at the bar and introduced

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

A little boy came home from school one day and

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there.

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

How can you tell if you have a moron computer operator

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

A woman had been married so many times she was

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

There was once three roughnecks named Crap, Manners

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit

Question: Why does Tigger smell? Answer: You'd

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the

A women is getting married for her fourth time

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get

Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?

What do you get when you cross an elephant and

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

Question: If you went to a party and woke up with

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A man named George was new in the city and needed

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

Three lawyers died and went to hell. Satan told

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative

A grade school teacher was asking students what

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

Question: What is the irritating part about a blonde's

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny

Can you guess what I am? I am about six inches

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

One day two girls were trying out for the school

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

These two guys meet after not having seen each

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

An old man from a far off land was once on the

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

A women desperately looking for work goes into

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

Are you considering having children? To determine

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

A man was walking down the street when he noticed

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

This guy is not getting along so well with his

    Marol spent her wedding night

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

    While inspecting their honeymoon

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

    The Penis requests a promotion

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

It is near the end of the school year.  The

There has been a recent discovery among archives

A businessman returns from the far east. After

    'Twas the night before Christmas

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

An FM station has a competition where they ring

1. In the company of females, intercourse

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

God created the mule, and told him, "You

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers,

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question:

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained,

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one,

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised,

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200,"

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big,

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off

A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted

The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon