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Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"Caller: "The cup holder

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

Why donââ,¬â"¢t sock puppets ever get anything

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A farmer just got married and was going home on

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

Knock, knock! Who's there? George Washington! George

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

There was a nintey-year-old lady who was still

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

Never say anything about a man until you have walked

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

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From: General Manager To: Departmental

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

There was this guy who always went out drinking

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

"Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm!" "Are

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

A brunette is walking through the country, when

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

There was a contruction worker who was working

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc

A southern girl returned home after a summer with

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Why did the woman cross the road? Who knows?

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

This guy with a really small head walks into a

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

An American businessman is on a business trip

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

One day there were four people absent from class.

There was a man who just got out of the army.

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

There was a old man sitting on a bench outside

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one

There was a woman who was interested in getting

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

10) This doesn't look anything like you... 9)

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

One day a medical professor and his class were

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A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

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Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

A man sees a growth coming out from the center

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb

This blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

Why don't men trust or understand women? Who

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A guy from Texas and a guy from Arkansas are driving

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

The horniest guy in the world is stuck on an island

A blonde goes into a world wide message center

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

    According to inside contacts,

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A women desperately looking for work goes into

The following letters were taken from an actual

Are you considering having children? To determine

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

    Stupid people should have to

    One day, a mechanic was working

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

    The following information was

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

Our Rights: The following was written by State

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

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A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I''ve got a special game for you. I''ll

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have

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After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

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In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

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Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

As we age, our priorities change .. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

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I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

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One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

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It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

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You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

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A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

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Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

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Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

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One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey --

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well