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Beers For Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Deduction

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

Witch Doctor

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

A Criminal Lawyer

Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult

Someone Else

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

Old Ghost Face

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

Jewish Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

Car Joke

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

Free Sex

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Jewish Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

How to draw an apple?

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

Wife

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

Female Genie

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.

Blind Pilot

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A Moral Dilemma

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Picture Says a Thousand Words

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Meat Department

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

Early Stages of Viagra Development

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

Words Of Wisdom, Graduates!

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

Things Couldn't Be Nurse

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

E-vil

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

One Drunken Night

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

The Christmas Elf Massacre

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Statues of Liberation

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

Snail Shanghai

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a

Gary Condit-Cadabra

What do Gary Condit and a magician have in common? They

Texas Talkin'

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

Bush at the Wheel

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Mother Goose is Rolling in Her Grave

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

Yankee Fans' Commute

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

Stoopit Pickup Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

Breast Milk Mustache

A question had appeared in a student's medical

Valentine's Day Surprise

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

Haunted Husband

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Ode To A Snack That Would Not Fall

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Cinderella Gets Some Ash

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

Don't Drink And Not Drive

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Genie-wine

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

The Rules (by Her)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Tyson Movie Deal

Did you know that Mike Tyson is to appear in the

Chain Letter for Women Only

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

Hierarchy

From: General Manager To: Departmental

Ways to Say "He's Dumb"

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

Old Granny and Dog

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

The Tired Genie

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon

The Stupid Nomad

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when

Star Trek 'n' Computer Geeks

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

Milkman

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.

Yo Mama's So Stank... OE

Yo' mama so stank, she used Odor-Eaters and completely

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

The Golfer and the Buttercups

A man is participating in a golf tournament. He

Mickey, Minnie and Goofy

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't

Heavenly HMO

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if

The Ex-Wife and the Genie

One day a man was planting flowers outside his

I'm Smelly Down There, Doc

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

The Bus Driver

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to

Actual Medical Chart Notes

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

Scottish Cheapskates

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

The Leper

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

Who Knocked Up My Bear?

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

The 20 Disses

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Masturbating Cabbie

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

Beer Consumption

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

Bird-Brained in Helopisa

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

Monica's Wish

One day, Monica Lewinsky found a lamp. She rubbed

Escape a DWI Rap

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

The Never-Ending Joint

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

Mathematics

He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his

Peg-Leg Baldy

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

Corporate Lessons

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

Phone Line

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

She's Worth Every Penny

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

Nickel-Diming Johnny

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to

If Men Ruled the World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

This Is Your ____ On Drugs

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Two young guys were picked up

Most Venomous Snake in the World

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Wacky News of the World

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

The Old Lady's Three Wishes

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

Sexgate Poem

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

New FDA Alcohol Warnings for Booze Bottles

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

Barbie Turns 40

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

Do You Have A Light?

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

Eternal Judgment

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

Bubble Blowing Duckies

    Three ducks were swimming in

How Old is this Drink?

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

Bubbles and Barbie

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

New Book

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

Guide to Dating

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

The New Virus

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It

$100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

A Pilot Reminisces

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Correct Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

New Bar in Town

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

What a Woman Really Wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Tonto & Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

Justin & Christian

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Construction Site

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A Man and his Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

Three Things Are Inevitable...

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

My Private Part

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Rooster Replacement

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

Twas the Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

Clever Indian

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Cannibals in the Workplace

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

Total Eclipse of Communication

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

Actual Writings on Hospital Charts

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

Scared Stiff

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

Letter to the IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

High Octane Blonde

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

My Daughter is a Good Girl

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

Pink Ping Pong Balls

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

Cold Water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

Computer Helpline

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Best for the Country

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

Anniversaries

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

2005 Darwin Awards

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Some Bumper Stickers

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

What is your Southern Sign?

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Actual Bumper Stickers

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

New Computer Viruses

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

God and the Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

Job Ads Made Easy

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Stiff Sentence

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The

Backyard Archaeology

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Tech Support Conversations

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

The Patch

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Osama Bin Laden Went to Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from? DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!......

Redneck Tips

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Total PC Experience

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

Two Priests

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

Bumper Stickers You Might Want

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

The Man Code

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Southern Horoscope

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

Where's the Butter?

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

Horse's Ass

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

Educated Athletes?

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Hotel Room Charges

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked

Lawyer and a Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

Picture

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem,

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Nice Guy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

At The Restaurant

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

The Facelift

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

Devil in Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

Axis of Evil Wannabes

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Dead Mule

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Pact with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

Boys will be Boys

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Sperm Count

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

The Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

Faith in Jesus

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

A Little Testy

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male

Cat in Heaven

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

Arkansas

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A Kinder, Gentler System

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

Dad, What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she

Dating Dictionary

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

Two Men in a LifeBoat

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

Lost Again

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

Final Exam

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

A Cat in Heaven

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

1 Wish Per Blonde

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one

The Drinking Nun

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

Bill & Moe

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

Angrry Wives

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

1st Priority: Look Active

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

Little Johnny's Grandmother

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

I'll Come as a Dove

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday.

Duck Shooting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

Old Age Marraige Proposal

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

Two Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

In Thick Fog

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

The Genie

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so