Jokes
Beers For Geeks
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully
Deduction
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
Witch Doctor
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws
A Criminal Lawyer
Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult
Someone Else
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've
Old Ghost Face
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple
Jewish Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that
Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and
Car Joke
AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can
Free Sex
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late
Jewish Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that
How to draw an apple?
A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and
Wife
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk
Female Genie
Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.
Blind Pilot
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit
Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers
A Moral Dilemma
Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,
Picture Says a Thousand Words
Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor
Meat Department
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve
Early Stages of Viagra Development
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides
Words Of Wisdom, Graduates!
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all
Things Couldn't Be Nurse
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen
E-vil
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.
One Drunken Night
A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,
The Christmas Elf Massacre
Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why
Statues of Liberation
In a city park stood two statues, one female and
Snail Shanghai
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a
Gary Condit-Cadabra
What do Gary Condit and a magician have in common? They
Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star
Bush at the Wheel
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of
Mother Goose is Rolling in Her Grave
Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go
Yankee Fans' Commute
Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to
Stoopit Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the
Breast Milk Mustache
A question had appeared in a student's medical
Valentine's Day Surprise
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's
Haunted Husband
A couple had been married for a long time, but
Ode To A Snack That Would Not Fall
Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled
Cinderella Gets Some Ash
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
Don't Drink And Not Drive
Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into
How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people
Genie-wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a
The Rules (by Her)
1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE
Tyson Movie Deal
Did you know that Mike Tyson is to appear in the
Chain Letter for Women Only
This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,
Hierarchy
From: General Manager To: Departmental
Ways to Say "He's Dumb"
1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The
Old Granny and Dog
There was an old lady and her dog who lived on
The Tired Genie
This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon
The Stupid Nomad
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on
Brunette Meets Genie
A brunette is walking through the country, when
Star Trek 'n' Computer Geeks
What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there
Milkman
Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.
Yo Mama's So Stank... OE
Yo' mama so stank, she used Odor-Eaters and completely
People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
The Golfer and the Buttercups
A man is participating in a golf tournament. He
Mickey, Minnie and Goofy
One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't
Heavenly HMO
St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven
Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon
This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if
The Ex-Wife and the Genie
One day a man was planting flowers outside his
I'm Smelly Down There, Doc
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for
Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable
The Bus Driver
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to
Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
Scottish Cheapskates
A Scottish man heads for home after spending the
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
The Leper
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.
Who Knocked Up My Bear?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
The 20 Disses
Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just
Masturbating Cabbie
One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets
First Class Blondie
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to
Beer Consumption
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer
Stuttering Problem
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe
Bird-Brained in Helopisa
John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he
Monica's Wish
One day, Monica Lewinsky found a lamp. She rubbed
Escape a DWI Rap
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking
The Never-Ending Joint
There was this pot-head walking down a road when
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,
Mathematics
He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his
Peg-Leg Baldy
A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume
Corporate Lessons
Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
POOF
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic
She's Worth Every Penny
A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly
Nickel-Diming Johnny
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to
If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,
This Is Your ____ On Drugs
Ã, Ã, Ã, Two young guys were picked up
Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
Wacky News of the World
But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,
The Old Lady's Three Wishes
A little old lady was sitting on her front porch
Sexgate Poem
'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White
The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and
New FDA Alcohol Warnings for Booze Bottles
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you
Barbie Turns 40
Yes, it's hard to believe, but
Do You Have A Light?
Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when
Eternal Judgment
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck
Bubble Blowing Duckies
Three ducks were swimming in
How Old is this Drink?
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle
Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two
Bubbles and Barbie
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman
New Book
I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am
Guide to Dating
Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with
The New Virus
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It
$100.00
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then
A Pilot Reminisces
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.
Correct Choice
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for
New Bar in Town
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.
What a Woman Really Wants
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could
Tonto & Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men
Justin & Christian
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one
Construction Site
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman
Biker's Dog
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,
A Man and his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.
Three Things Are Inevitable...
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He
My Private Part
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to
Murphy's Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
Rules for Bank Robbers
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"
Rooster Replacement
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When
Twas the Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The
Clever Indian
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that
Cannibals in the Workplace
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are
Total Eclipse of Communication
From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse
Actual Writings on Hospital Charts
1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes
Scared Stiff
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and
Letter to the IRS
Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.
High Octane Blonde
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair
Upper Management
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says
My Daughter is a Good Girl
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the
Pink Ping Pong Balls
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,
Cold Water
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After
Computer Helpline
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,
Best for the Country
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has
Anniversaries
Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
2005 Darwin Awards
[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who
Some Bumper Stickers
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes
What is your Southern Sign?
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are
The Seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
Actual Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out
New Computer Viruses
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The
God and the Blonde Nun
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have
Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
Job Ads Made Easy
What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really
Stiff Sentence
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The
Backyard Archaeology
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott
Cave Excavation
A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Tech Support Conversations
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about
The Patch
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman
Osama Bin Laden Went to Heaven
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who
Dad, Where Did I Come From?
CHILD : Dad, where did I come from? DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!......
Redneck Tips
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
Total PC Experience
Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"
Two Priests
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like
Bumper Stickers You Might Want
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A
The Man Code
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually
Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits
Southern Horoscope
Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are
Where's the Butter?
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it
Horse's Ass
A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared
Educated Athletes?
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,
Hotel Room Charges
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked
Lawyer and a Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his
Picture
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem,
The Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
Nice Guy
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled
At The Restaurant
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another
The Facelift
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A
Devil in Church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went
Axis of Evil Wannabes
The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the
Virus Alert
An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you
Pact with the Devil
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil
Boys will be Boys
OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo
Sperm Count
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar
The Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other
Faith in Jesus
A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his
A Little Testy
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male
Cat in Heaven
The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.
Arkansas
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that
A Kinder, Gentler System
A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on
Dad, What is sex?
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she
Dating Dictionary
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what
Two Men in a LifeBoat
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While
Lost Again
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife
Final Exam
Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He
A Cat in Heaven
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice
1 Wish Per Blonde
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one
The Drinking Nun
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about
Bill & Moe
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer
Angrry Wives
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the
1st Priority: Look Active
Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their
Little Johnny's Grandmother
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go
I'll Come as a Dove
The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday.
Duck Shooting
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,
Old Age Marraige Proposal
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;
Two Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit
In Thick Fog
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives
The Genie
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so