around

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

What do you call a person who likes to hang around

A little girl and her dog are walking through the

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir,"

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A firefighter is working on the engine outside

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

The president and Mrs. Bush are in the front row

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, ââ,¬Å"All

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

A taxi pulls up to a church and picks up a nun.

A little rabbit is running happily through the

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

A blond was driving to the airport when she saw

A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

What do you call a woman rolling around on the

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

A man at a retirement home was walking around with

What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

Yo mama so big, everytime she turns around it's

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Yo mama so ugly, when she was a baby, she had to

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en

Two Blondes were in a car and came to a fork in

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all

Q: What''s the connection between The Star Trek

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

The American Dairy Association was so successful

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate,

He's such a dumb jock, that when he was driving

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

You're so fat, when you sit around the house you

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men" Think

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and

(tip: don't try these if you're not willing to

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Britney Spears' boobs are so big, they have smaller

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

How's Your Melon Smellin'? Two women were walking

Mary Lou, the blonde, was out playing in the garden

Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes to

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

What goes all the way around a baseball field but

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

Yo mama is so short, that she can run track around

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

There were these three guys at a football game

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his

Yo mama is so fat, when you walk around her you

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

There was a blonde, two brunettes, and redhead

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They

Q: What did the prick say to the balls? A: You

There was this Indian who just came back from a

"Why don't you say that to my face?" "Turn around."

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

A black cow was standing in the middle of the

A little boy and his father are walking down the

What do you call a buncha women hanging around

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to

Three nuns went to a football game and three men

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

Yo mama is so fat that I run around her for exercise.

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A:

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir,"

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

Yo mama is so dumb that she was on her way to the

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

A little boy came home from school one day and

How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a

An old man and an old woman were sitting together

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

One fine sunny morning a man decides to go golfing.

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

A missionary has spent years teaching agriculture

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

In days of old, when knights were bold, And

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

This Avon lady was out selling her wares. She

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

There was a man named Benny who loved to take

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven,

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the

How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids on the

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

(which in our society means over 25) An older

The only difference between your mama and a washing

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch

Most wives whose husbands fool around have to

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of

Yo mama so fat that every time she turns around,

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

The was a man named George who got a new job.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

There was this little boy who had no name. One

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a

What's the useless flesh around the penis called?

A women is getting married for her fourth time

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

Q: How are toilets different from women? A:

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

If gas were brains you wouldn't be able to power

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

What do mice and men have in common? They both

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

The strident prosecutor begins: ''Ladies and

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween,

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Three little boys were sitting around talking about

A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

Superman was flying around the city and was super

There was a man who was drivivng down the road

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is

You're so ugly, yo' mama had to tie a porkchop

What did the woman do when she found out that her

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

There were once three boys in a classroom called

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

There was a guy walking down the street when he

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

Yo mama's house is so dusty the roaches ride around

''Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked

There was this guy named John that went to heaven.

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

Three women were sitting around talking about their

A man walked into work on Monday with two black

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

There are approximately two billion children (persons

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store,

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor

Yo mama is so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders

Your mama is so fat you need a road map to find

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

Why did the bunny hop around on one leg? Because

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

Did you hear about the new pick up line going

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

To my darling wife: During the past year,

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

Yo mama's so fat that she has several smaller fat

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Yo' mama so old, I had to poke around for an hour

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

What do you call a neutron that has been around

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor,

What's the difficult thing about eating vegetables?

Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?

Yo' mama so fat, that when she sits around the

Why do little girls walk around with dead goldfish

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of

She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90%

Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68. At 69

Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

    A guy sticks his head into a

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

We all know those cute little computer symbols

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

A man staggers into an emergency room with two

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION:

    What to not say to the nice

    The curator of a Western art

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

    Four old Catholic women are

This guy is not getting along so well with his

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

    Stupid people should have to

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

-It is always possible to park directly outside

One day, Ole and Lena were out driving around the

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

    Every night after dinner, Merle

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A businessman returns from the far east. After

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

Run one lap around the office at top speed

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

A guy is in a hotel lobby. He bumps into a lady

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! But,

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South. To somebody in the South, it is anybody in

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big,

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

During an Army war game a commanding officer''s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained,

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: "Morning

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day,

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says:

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always