asked

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand,

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, " What is

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

An old man was sitting on a bench crying when a lady approached him and asked if she could help. The

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer."Certainly, sir, that'll

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10,

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.""Why

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class: "Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came

A technology firm was looking for a new computer

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts

Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique

Stan and John are walking to school one day and

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

A guy was speeding down the road when suddenly

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

Yo mama so fat when she went to KFC she asked for

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

Yo mama so poor, when I asked her to use the bathroom,

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter

Yo mama so ugly, I asked her if her face hurt because

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

Bush got a coded message from Saddam. It read:

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught

Yo momma is so dumb that when the waiter brought

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

A woman and a baby were in the doctorââ,¬â"¢s

Yo mama is so poor, I saw her walking down the

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

A sailor walked into a bar with a small head. The

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Yo mama''s so nasty, I came over and asked what''s

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.

Yo mama so poor, when she went to the 99 cents

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law

There was a competition to cross the English channel

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During

A very religious man lived right next door to an

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

Recently, I was at a professional football game

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high

A kid came home from school and asked his dad,

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked,

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

According to a news report, a certain private school

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

A highway patrol officer was driving up a mountain

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so

A man was nervously pacing around the waiting room

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

An English professor told her students that there

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Ram: Why are you drinking tea with the help of

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

Gumor said to Selma. Selma can I put my finger

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game

Reporter: "Mr. Condit, when was the last time

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot,

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

Two retired professors were vacationing with their

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

How's Your Melon Smellin'? Two women were walking

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling

Cinderella was having her period and couldn't go

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and

During the Super Bowl, there was another football

Bush was speaking at a High School, he was asked

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies

Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

''What are you doing tonight?'' asked the Air France

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the

There once was this group of strange beings called

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A railroad worker was cuting the grass away from

A couple had been married for a long time, but

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

There once was this guy who was going on a date

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

There were these three bees trapped in a hive.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

One day Jesus wanted to test his disciples. So

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there

Dear Jennifer, I have an interesting

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

There were these two fleas in a bar. The first

One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

One fine day in the middle of class at school,

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

The Li'l Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

A young priest is unhappy with how little money

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

An old man went into a pharmacy and asked for two

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

Three nuns were taking a walk one day. ''I was

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

Two teenagers were walking through a park when

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Yo mama is so poor, when I asked her where the

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office,

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

This guy was driving along a country road. Along

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and

A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

A woman went into a department store and told the

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The

A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

There was an older man who'd married a younger

A poodle, a terrier, and a great dane were all

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to

Ken and Bruce were very bored and very gay. Suddenly

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

Your mama is so dumb when she was pulled over for

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ''Flu?''

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was

Two gay men are walking down the street trying

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe.

A little boy came home from school one day and

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

One day a government worker was digging through

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding,

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

A teacher was teaching a class of five year olds

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar,

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked over

You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

A man asked his wife if it was, perhaps, time for

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

There was a cowboy and an Indian riding through

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver

Once there was a man named BB. He had a very fat

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the

Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her if she

One day while at the White House, the maid was

One upon a time there was a town with a new church

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked

There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck,

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

A couple had been married for many years, and their

Yo mama is so stupid, that when they said, “Order

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the

There was a contruction worker who was working

Once there was a church that had a bell that no

A woman had been married so many times she was

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive

A southern girl returned home after a summer with

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

A guy was riding down the road when he saw a

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

A man asked God how much a million dollars was

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but

A little boy was in school, he raised his hand

A blonde was walking down the street with shower

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite

Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic,

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction

There was this bartender & he was working at the

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple went to church every week, but every

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

This guy with a really small head walks into a

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

A married couple was walking down the street when

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking

An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's

The was a man named George who got a new job.

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

One day there were four people absent from class.

One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat.

There was once three roughnecks named Crap, Manners

This mafia family was in need of a collection

A penguin was driving his car down the highway

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

You're so poor I went to your house and asked

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider

One day a man was planting flowers outside his

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A blonde came home from school one day and said

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby,

After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to

There once was a very distraught woman, who was

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

One day, Mrs. James was taking a shower, when suddenly

Once there was a substitute teacher taking over

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a

This old guy goes into a church in a small town

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

One day a little girl came running into her house

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with

A lady ran into the lobby at a golf course. ''I've

One day a teacher was teaching a fourth grade class

A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

There were three men who got stranded on an island.

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby,

"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?"

There was this man who really had to go to the

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

The teacher was checking her student roster on

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

This priest was driving to his church when he saw

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

There were three men in a bar. All three were

A long time ago, a cowboy was captured by the Indians.

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want

A prostitute on the street was approached by a

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde

What did President Clinton say when he was asked

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

A young boy took his bag of M&M's, grabbed the

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking

One day there were two boys playing by a stream

Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

A man named George was new in the city and needed

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

Fred, Bob, and Mike were driving down the street

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

A little girl came running into the house crying

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

During his deposition Vernon Jordan was asked why

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

One day there were three boys walking down the

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

There was this guy named John that went to heaven.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality

A man walked into work on Monday with two black

Once a man saw a board outside his friend's office

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake. "Why?"

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

''I would like to see a woman dentist,'' said the

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

A man was walking on the beach when he happened

A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The

These two boys were talking about their sex lives

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving

This is actually a true story that happened to

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

There was a successful doctor who had an office

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone

A woman went camping and while she was out she

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking.

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton happened to die

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

A man arrived at a small village in India, and

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

At a recent rally Bob Dole was asked if he wore

The young fellow was about to be married and was

There were three extremely poor men. They were

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins,

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

It was this little girl's first day of school and

Three college students were in England and were

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

A grandson ran up to his grandfather and asked

Two construction workers were working on the 30th

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd

There was a man once that was always talking about

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were

A happy little mouse was walking along one day

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up.

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

There was an old lady walking down the streets

There was this pot-head walking down a road when

One day, a mother was taking a bath when her 5

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

A blonde's car had broken down. A cop pulled up

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

A university creative writing class was asked to

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked

Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

A man came home from work to find his girlfriend

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

A businessman was about to go on a long business

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

A couple, who had been married for years, were

A man was heading to England and his next-door

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

There were three men working at the top of a building.

What do a blonde and a hockey player have in common?

Bill Clinton went to Africa and, when he got back,

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

There was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used

Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

There were three women who always hung their laundry

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

    An elderly woman entered a large

A couple took their young son for his first visit

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

At a southern university, students in the psychology

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

Two engineering students were walking across campus

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

A woman going through the change of life went to

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

An old man from a far off land was once on the

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

    On preparing to return home

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

The following letters were taken from an actual

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

A man was walking down the street when he noticed

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

This guy is not getting along so well with his

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

Three friends die in a car accident and they

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne

    William and Mildred were married

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

These two eggs had just been married and were on

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

    A young man just got a new job

    Stupid people should have to

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

    Three nuns were talking. "I

    While inspecting their honeymoon

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of

    A little girl asked her mother

    Three ducks were swimming in

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

Run one lap around the office at top speed

A judge was punishing three men because they had

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

Dear __________________________,    

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it

How The French Military uniform evolved A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies

A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right,"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you? So

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked,

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies,

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

Shortly thereafter Jesse Jackson went to a Sears and started raising all kinds of hell in the appliance

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?" She said "No." ...And the

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.He found a saleslady, and told

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble.

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After

A guy was walking down the street when he was startled to see a beautiful, young nude girl running

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table,

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed,

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor

John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up;

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

This is why God invented menopause....... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Suddenly there was a mad uncontrolable burst of laughter and the team captain asked John if that was

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific road accident but miraculously, she managed to pry

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's

The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth,"

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So,

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most

The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?"

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

A brunette went to the doctors. "Doctor," she said. "Help me. I hurt all over." "Sit down," said

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends,

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the

Two men were working on top of a building. Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their

During an Army war game a commanding officer''s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk,

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained,

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew being an unkempt housekeeper.

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon