behind

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

There were three priests in a railroad station,

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school

A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

How do you know when a blondes been having a bad

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate,

In a city park stood two statues, one female and

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

A highway patrol officer was driving up a mountain

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

There once was this group of strange beings called

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

There were these three guys at a football game

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

Confucious say: ''Man who runs behind bus is

What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?

Two teenagers were walking through a park when

Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Three nuns went to a football game and three men

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock.

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

Ken and Bruce were very bored and very gay. Suddenly

You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who

Q: What did the butcher say when he backed into

A lady walks into the local record store. "Do

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat

An old man went to the social security office to

Why does a blonde put perfume on her ankles?

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

Q: What golfing what foursome do you never want

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

1. Throughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains

Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter

One day MR. GOODBAR was feeling horny. So he went

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

A girl was standing talking to her friends when

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work.

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman,

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

The Tomato family is walking down the street. There's

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

If I cut off my right butt-cheek, will I be left

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

Jimmy White walks into a bar and orders a beer,

A man walked into work on Monday with two black

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Two guys were working for the city. One would

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

How do you eat a frog? You put one leg behind

Three college students were in England and were

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? Her

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    White House staffers were perplexed

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Similarities between the Titanic video and the

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

A young couple were married and they were having

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

Are you considering having children? To determine

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"  We remain

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and

    William and Mildred were married

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

    The Penis requests a promotion

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife