believe

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

A very religious man lived right next door to an

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully." "I

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

President George W. Bush was getting angry about

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

What's the difference between a Northern and a

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

5. Does this look infected to you? 4. Would

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation

There once was a young couple who lived in a town

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

After World War II, an American soldier was going

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three

Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucious

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders

You've brought religion into my life; until I met

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

Two guys were working for the city. One would

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

Yo' mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's

You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star

You might be a redneck if you believe books are

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

At a southern university, students in the psychology

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

A mortician was working late one night. It was

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke,

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

If the government is going to put health warning

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

      AT&T fired President John

   As you grow older, what lost

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

    William and Mildred were married

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

Can you believe how many award shows they have

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

There has been a recent discovery among archives

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

    The following information was

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company,

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your