better

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

PPO = Preferred Provider OrganizationHMO = Health Maintenance OrganizationThe Queen of England was visiting

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking,

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who,

1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.3. All Men Are Animals,

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Why is being in the military like getting a blow

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get

A little rabbit is running happily through the

Q: What did the saggy breast say to the other saggy

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Why is 77 better than 69? Because you get eight

The American Dairy Association was so successful

What a woman says, what she really means... I

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said,

Why don't witches wear panties? Better grip on

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry, You'd

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

A guy came home one day after getting fired from

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

Why don't witches wear undies? To get a better

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

Knock knock Who's there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur

Bush happens Life is like a box of chocolates.

It's finally come out why George W. is pushing

Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes to

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

All good Southerners already know these, but in

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

A man left his cat with his brother while he went

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

There was an older man who'd married a younger

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into

A kid was late for school one day. "I had to take

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

One day a man took his wife to the doctor and says,

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

Why do men float better than women? Because

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some

Q. How is sex like bridge? A.If you don't have

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her if she

One day while at the White House, the maid was

What is better than winning gold at the Para-Olympics?

Why is 77 better than 69? 'Cause you get 8 more!

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

Yo mama so stank, monkeys throw poop on her to

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent,

There were 3 basketball players, one each from

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled

I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very

1) You always know if you are the first one to

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Women are like bikes -- the harder you ride them

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Women claim that computers should be referred to

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

You wake up face down on the pavement. You

What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips

Why don't witches wear undies? To get better

Q: Why did God create women? A: Because God

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

What is better than eating a mandarin? Eating

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

A couple has been together for thirty years and

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

There was a doctor that had been having sex with

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

The better part of you must have rolled down your

Confucious say, 'It's better to be pissed off than

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

    Three blokes enter a disabled

    A couple go to Mexico City for

    This is an actual job application

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

Two kids were having the standard argument about

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

    This is from a contest on Long

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

    One day, a mechanic was working

One day, Ole and Lena were out driving around the

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

    One day a hunter was walking

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

A man and a woman who have never met before find

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

    'Twas the night before Christmas

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

Dear __________________________,    

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves

"I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a lettuce stuck in my bottom!" "Good

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well