change

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is sent to a hospital. While on the operating table, she

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

How many Democrats does it take to change a light

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change

How many stoners does it take to screw in a light

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

There were three priests in a railroad station,

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar bill and made

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

This week, the Bush administration finally released

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

Yo mama is like a hockey player she doesn't change

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

How many Republicans does it take to change a light

How are politicians like diapers? You have to

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

Q. Why did Pepsi hire Britney Spears to do their

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup 2. Proper

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

There was a woman who had very small breasts and

A redneck couple gets married and are on their

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a penny in a gumball

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

Due to the changes in the law, 69 is now 75. There's

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many feminists does it take to change a light

What is the name of the Russian Doctor who performs

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

The European Union commissioners have announced

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

Did you know that they are going to change the

If a woman could change a man into any mammal,

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

If you make change in the offering plate, you might

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

Why did the stoplight turn red? You would turn

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

How many Harvard girls does it take to change a

1) You always know if you are the first one to

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican

How many men does it take to change a roll of

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling? A:

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

This Koala bear hires a hooker on the streets of

A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

You're so dumb, if I gave you a penny for your

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

There was a successful doctor who had an office

This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

A grade school teacher was asking students what

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

How many teachers does it take to change a light

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

Why does a red light turn red? If you had to

Yo' mama so fat that when she changes hands on

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

There is no truth to the rumor that the Florida

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of

Q: How many law professors does it take to change

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

A woman going through the change of life went to

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

    A businessman boards a flight

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

1) You define summer as three months of bad

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

What do you call a female sex change? An addadictomy!

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

    Every night after dinner, Merle

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from

    The following information was

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

September 15     

    Dear Son,    

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question:

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

As we age, our priorities change .. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the @#%$ out of you. Men are like ........

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons,

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents