check

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

TO: All employeesFROM: The bossDATE: August 3, 2000RE: Foul LanguageIt has been brought to management's

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"To

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

A woman and a baby were in the doctorââ,¬â"¢s

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

Yo mama shirt so tight, when I shook her hand I

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

Advantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly

You might be a redneck if you regularly check the

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was

A mid 20's bachelor walks into a grocery store

The manager of a megastore came to check on his

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant.

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks

There was an older man who'd married a younger

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One

Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

10. SHE'S A GOBLIN! 9. I'D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work.

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent,

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about

10) This doesn't look anything like you... 9)

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY:

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

When a doctor is checking your prostate gland,

The teacher was checking her student roster on

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise

10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Women claim that computers should be referred to

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Yo mama's underwear is so funky, roaches check

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

You wake up face down on the pavement. You

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer

This is actually a true story that happened to

I went to the bank last week and said to the cashier,

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

Did you get any under the tree? I think your

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

Yo' mama so poor, her checks bounce more than the

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

The following letters were taken from an actual

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

    What to not say to the nice

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.Ã, 

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

    For all you guys out there who

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

Dear __________________________,    

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

Last name: ________________ First name (check

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question:

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well,

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor?

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well