children

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand,

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.2nd Child: Why are you

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient

A man has six children and is very proud of his

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

There was a couple who did not want their children

A very religious man lived right next door to an

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

1) Compassionativity is not a word. 2) Social

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love Harry

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

Gary Condit was on a sinking ship and everyone

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

It's finally come out why George W. is pushing

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

What's the diffrence between Michael Jackson and

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

Good: Your children are sexually active. Bad: With

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

Why don't witches have children? Because their

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

Patient has two teenage children, but no other

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where

There was a couple who did not want their children

This priest was driving to his church when he saw

Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

What do you call a prostitute's children? Brothel

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Children were called upon in a classroom to make

This is actually a true story that happened to

Why can't gypsies have children? Because their

What do electric trainsets and women's breasts

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children? A:

President Clinton opened doors for future presidents.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

      AT&T fired President John

   As you grow older, what lost

An old man from a far off land was once on the

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and

Are you considering having children? To determine

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

Three friends die in a car accident and they

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

    Psychologists have discovered

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

Dear __________________________,    

September 15     

Last name: ________________ First name (check

God created the mule, and told him, "You

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head

So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating