comes

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.When she is 28, she is a hockey ball -

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel,

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, ââ,¬Å"All

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering

Q: What did one chair say to another chair? A:

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming

Q: What did the bartender say to his customers? A:

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

One morning, a blonde decides to do a jig-saw puzzle

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and

Q: Why is Santa's sack so big? A: He only comes

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

Yo mama's pants so tight, when she farts, it comes

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

One day a blonde went into a department store.

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Road rage: Who gives a BEEP! Why not raise a

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

A husband comes home early from work and catches

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

A ship of Marines is sailing along one day when

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them

Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes to

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

What's Irish and comes out in the spring? Paddy

A man was walking down the beach when he found

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

What has three balls and comes from outer space?

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

One day, a woman comes out with a bunch of trash

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman walk

Why does Santa have huge balls? Because he only

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says,

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying,

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

Yo mama is so fat, she put on a yellow raincoat

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

Little Tommy went into his parent's bedroom one

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? A.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her

There was this guy who always went out drinking

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

A man comes home from work and sits in his recliner

You might be a redneck if your grandma goes to

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

Yo mama so stupid, when you were born she saw

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

Yo mama's so old that, when she breast-feeds, powdered

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the

A month before Prom night the daughter goes to

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first

There was a competition between a team of blondes

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all

A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race.

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

A guy applied for a job at a post office and got

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in

George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen

A woman comes into a hardware store. "May I help

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes!

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

There was a man who just got out of the army.

What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work.

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one

Q: What's gray and comes in pints? A: An elephant.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

There was this Indian chief who was straining to

There were these two vampires talking. One says

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman,

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

You might be a redneck if you don't know what day

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog

A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

There were three men in a bar. All three were

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

Men are like a fine grape. They are best kept

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A man comes home from work early to find his wife

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give

This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

Abe and Sara are in their 80's. One day Abe comes

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter.

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

These three guys are out having a relaxing day

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

Two guys were working for the city. One would

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

Here I sit, all broken hearted. Tried to shit,

A little girl came home from school and told her

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition.

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A wife comes home and tells her husband, “Dear,

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist,

Bloke walks into a pub with a cheese sandwich

What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft

A girl wants to borrow the car from her dad, so

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

Yo mama's pubic hair is so nappy, every time she

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children? A:

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

"Divorce Barbie!" Comes with all of Ken's belongings!

There's a woman that has a big problem when it

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom!

A married man visits a sex therapist because he

You're so poor that when you take a bath it becomes

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

Yo mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

    A guy sticks his head into a

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You put her

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching

These two guys meet after not having seen each

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

Two cowboys are leanin' up against the rail at

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom

This guy is not getting along so well with his

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

    Stupid people should have to

Ã, Ã, Ã,  An Egyptian man is walking through

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

    Every night after dinner, Merle

One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels

    Two explorers are flying over

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

Those who have it would be devastated if it

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

    The following information was

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

    Dear Son,    

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines

Guy in Arkansas comes home to find two suitcases packed on his front porch. "What's goin' on honey?",

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad,

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?",

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of

A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A first grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"