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Gordon Brown, George Bush and Saparmurat Niyazov are flying to a world economic summit. Saparmurat looks

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed,

James was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

A guy was setting up like a bank account or something like that, and he was being taken care of by a

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed anew head Samurai so he sent

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

There were four country churches in a small Texas

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

1. How many trarlokks does it take to trokkclap

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when

There were three priests in a railroad station,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70? A: Because

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender,

There were five people on a crashing air plane.

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

Yo mama so poor, when she went to the 99 cents

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far

"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this

The American Dairy Association was so successful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

Q: What county in Ireland hates Kenny? A: Killkenny

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

The England team's training session was delayed

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count? Eminem

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

What's the difference between your mother and a

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

One day the king of a fairly large country was

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

This guy was driving along a country road. Along

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

You don't have a mama: Two dads and a chemisty

As usual, things were not going well at the United

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping

Ken and Bruce were very bored and very gay. Suddenly

5. "Sure we could have these people killed to

Four people are in an airplane: the president,

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

A lady walks into the local record store. "Do

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

After much careful research, it has been discovered

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man

This lady walks into her boss's office one day

An old man went to the social security office to

What's the difference between Ally McBeal and a

Q: How did a blonde get a job at a prestigious

Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

A brunette is walking through the country, when

There are three kinds of people in the world --

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country

Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes.

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

A man is fibbing away about how great things

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

There was this bartender & he was working at the

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

Q: What does a redneck say to his friend after

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A blonde came home from school one day and said

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country

How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm

There are five people on a plane that's crashing.

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?"

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to count

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

Q: How do you know how long a guy's been on a motorcycle?

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

Yo' mama so fat, when she went swimming, Spain

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

Yo mama's so fat when she went to the restaurant

Yo' mama so country, she thought an elevator was

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because

There are approximately two billion children (persons

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving

This is actually a true story that happened to

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana.

This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

A little kid walks into a movie theater one day.

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and

Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid

There was a man once that was always talking about

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby

What do sex and a savings account have in common?

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

      AT&T fired President John

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

   As you grow older, what lost

An old man from a far off land was once on the

    Dick Cheney, President Bush

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

    A woman walks into her accountant's

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

This is from an actual trial in the UK.    

Are you considering having children? To determine

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

    A young man just got a new job

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

One day, Ole and Lena were out driving around the

    A herd of buffalo can only move

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70? A: Because

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

It is near the end of the school year.  The

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

A businessman returns from the far east. After

Listen my children, and you shall hear Of

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when

Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1300.01

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son:

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl:

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up;

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and