cream

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, " What is

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair,

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd

A teacher asks her class, ââ,¬Å"If there

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender,

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos. The

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

A man walks into his doctor's office and whines,

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were

frederick the slimy cock was sucking penis when

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

There once was this group of strange beings called

A man walked into an ice cream shop... Man: I'd

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A couple had been married for a long time, but

A private was serving duties at his barracks in

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Banana Love Cake Ingredients: 2 whole nuts 1

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer's

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

A redneck couple gets married and are on their

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and

Do you know what conceited is? Conceited is

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

One day a guy and a girl were making out in her

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

There was a young man from Calcutta Who spent

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

(which in our society means over 25) An older

One day MR. GOODBAR was feeling horny. So he went

A married couple was walking down the street when

An American businessman is on a business trip

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

Q: What do a woman and a tornado have in common?

One day four boys were playing soccer in the schoolyard.

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein,

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

A little boy runs across this farmer who has a

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

1. See how many teenage boys you can gather by

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

What did the gay man say in the Chinese restaurant? "May

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down.

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all

A boy baby and a girl baby are lying in their crib

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

A man walked into the doctor's office and said,

What's the difference between a microwave and a

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her

How do you get your wife to scream real loud when

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

A little boy is walking along on a nude beach.

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Q: How do you make your wife scream during an orgasm?

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather

Where would you learn how to make ice cream?

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds

Why didn't anybody hear Helen Keller scream when

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

A mortician was working late one night. It was

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

A women desperately looking for work goes into

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed

    Every night after dinner, Merle

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

    Two explorers are flying over

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

1. In the company of females, intercourse

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony,

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason