drink

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.Four worms were placed

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man

Qn: Why is fish cunning ?Ans: cos yu pian mi fen (fish lie to bee hoon)Qn: What animal falls down the

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

There's a guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink for about a half-hour. Then, this big truck

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink,

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

Q: How did Britney Spears die while drinking milk? A:

A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl/guy

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out

Why did the blonde go up on top of the bar? Because

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

1. "You get this round and the next round is on

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

There are three nuns in a sanctuary who are about

The American Dairy Association was so successful

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Women got off the Titanic first. Women can scare

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife:

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

Ram: Why are you drinking tea with the help of

How do you get a blonde on the roof? ....tell

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London,

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought that wu-tang was

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

The way this game works is every time the word

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

''What are you doing tonight?'' asked the Air France

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

Yo mama got sacked from a sperm bank for drinking

Q: Who made the first soft drink? A: Adam --

A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

An American cowboy was traveling in England and

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks." "Why?" "They

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk,

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

There were two men sitting on a wall outside a

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

Q. Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? A. Cause

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a

How did the redneck die drinking milk? The

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar,

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

There was this guy who always went out drinking

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

A cop pulls over a guy. "Your eyes are awfully

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

A man who was having heart trouble went to the

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a

Q. What's a transvestite's idea of a good time?

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The

This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer

10) Your mom. 9) Piss in the wind. 8) Spit straight

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

How does one become stoned drunk? Drink

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man:

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

There were these two vampires talking. One says

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

After a really good party a man walks into a bar

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know

Two boys were arrested, one was drinking battery

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick!

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

A man and woman had a son but when he was born

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

A guy is drinking in a bar, and the bartender asks

A little girl came running into the house crying

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After

Two men were in a pub. One man said, "Did you

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave

Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes

A policeman stops a motorist and says, ''Excuse

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm. One

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy,

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

You might be a redneck if rather than drinking

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me,

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

    What to not say to the nice

1) You define summer as three months of bad

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

I have an earache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this

    William and Mildred were married

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

    One day, a mechanic was working

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he

Run one lap around the office at top speed

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

    For all you guys out there who

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers,

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running

Mark and Paul stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers." "Is there an airport nearby

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron,

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket. 9. You spend

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,"bless me,father,for i have sinned. "i

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

A lawyer is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful women sits down next to him. The lawyer

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes,

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck,

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day,

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk,

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says:

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your