eating

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

A young couple goes to visit an old couple for dinner. The old husband tells his wife "My beloved angel,

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked,

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? To wreak

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

A kid came home from school and asked his dad,

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to

A Syrian guy walked into a cafe. He sees a Lebanese

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

What's grosser than gross? Dreaming about eating

What's grosser than gross? When you are dreaming

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

How's Your Melon Smellin'? Two women were walking

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side

There once was this guy who was going on a date

Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his

Two old ladies are at the movies. "Psst," says

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

Two guys are in a bar. "Hey, I've got an idea

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

Due to the changes in the law, 69 is now 75. There's

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and

What's the difference between eating pussy and

A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter.

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

Have you been eating cake lately? Because you look

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked over

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

A cop pulls over a guy. "Your eyes are awfully

How can you tell if you have an underbite? You're

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

Did you here about the man that died from eating

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a

Why did the boy scout get kicked out? He was caught

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with

Two boys were arrested, one was drinking battery

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence Let's

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a

Did you know that when the pilgrims landed, if

There were three men in a bar. All three were

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

What is better than eating a mandarin? Eating

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

There are approximately two billion children (persons

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo.

How can you tell if you have an overbite? When

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store,

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot

A car decided not to stop for a stop sign but

Man visits doctor with apple stuck in mouth,

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

What's the difficult thing about eating vegetables?

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One

Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

    Psychologists have discovered

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the

God created the mule, and told him, "You

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to

01/20/09 - End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway If You Want a

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained,

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday.

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew being an unkempt housekeeper.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating