either

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel

St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes,

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide? 9.

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

Men are like toilets, they're either taken, unavaliable,

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

Bush got a coded message from Saddam. It read:

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

Q: What did Saddam Hussein have in common with

The American Dairy Association was so successful

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

Three couples went to see a minister to find out

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well,

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road

Gumor said to Selma. Selma can I put my finger

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London,

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that

Three couples went in to see the minister about

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday

What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his

Have you seen Ray Charles' wife? Neither has

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

These three married couples died and when they

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

If you love something, set it free. If it comes

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of

Being a huge Elvis fan, a pretty, young woman strolled

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their

What do men and stockings have in common? They

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

A woman had been married so many times she was

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern

Q: What do men and parking spaces have in common?

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

The was a man named George who got a new job.

Q: What is the difference between a condom and

Did you hear about the blonde and the weight loss

What do Seattle and Cher have in common? Neither

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

Mama always told me girls are like a box of chocolate

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

What do a man and a public toilet have in common?

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife? Neither

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

Q: What do a Kennworth Semi-Truck and a test-tube

Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates

Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

    A guy is sitting at a bar in

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr.

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees,

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116 degrees sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are,

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him,

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!"

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes