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An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed

Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

AUDI:Another Ugly Deutsche InventionBMW:Bought My WifeBrings Me WomenBrings More Women butBroke My WalletCHEVROLET:Can

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.She is half discovered, half wild.Between the ages

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?Make

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

I just want to call attention to the fact that

Stan and John are walking to school one day and

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

Worldââ,¬â"¢s thinnest books 20. BEAUTY

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

Alien Haserection The Adventures of Prudo Snatch Bottlestar

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

A little rabbit is running happily through the

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

Q: What is every Amish woman's fantasy? A: Two

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son

The Principal of an elementary school went into

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

Yo mama so big, everytime she turns around it's

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long

An Amish woman and her son are walking through

There was a young girl who loved to wear skirts

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,

A very religious man lived right next door to an

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

A blond was driving along a country road, listening

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

Yo mama so big, every time her beeper goes off,

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common? Everyone

"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully." "I

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

Yo mama is so fat, that every time you smack her

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

1. ââ,¬Å"If my heart were a baked potato,

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

According to a news report, a certain private school

What do you give a blonde who has everything? Penicillin.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks,

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

Gary Condit was on a sinking ship and everyone

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

Did you hear what Lizzie Grubman did Friday night? Crashed

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

Bush happens Life is like a box of chocolates.

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs: Guys,

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

The way this game works is every time the word

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup 2. Proper

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

There once was this group of strange beings called

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive

There was an old professor who started every class

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club,

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

One day Jesus wanted to test his disciples. So

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench,

All good Southerners already know these, but in

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

God created earth, and it was good. Then God created

A young priest is unhappy with how little money

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,

1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE

Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved,

Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to

A man is away on business, at a convention for

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

A man came back from a long business trip to find

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of

This guy goes to the doctors office and tells the

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter

Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test?

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to

Bubba was Alabama's star lineman. He was great

You know you're ghetto if you use the same grease

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew

A poodle, a terrier, and a great dane were all

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

From: General Manager To: Departmental

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

Q: What do a blonde and a taxi have in common?

There is this third grade class with this kid named

You might be a redneck if every time you see a

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

A little boy came home from school one day and

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

One day a government worker was digging through

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

Yo mama's house is so small, I threw a rock in

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

10) Who the hell Begets anymore? 9) Memo to Adam:

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

Yo mama is like a donkey. Everybody rides the ass.

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

An old man went to the social security office to

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction

What do you get when you cross a centipede with

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery? In

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and

"Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm!" "Are

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash

Q: What is every blonde's ambition? A: To be

Why are drummers like laxatives? Because they

There were two little crabs who met in Florida

After World War II, an American soldier was going

Did you know that Rita McNeil has a tatoo of

There were these two bums and they were hungry

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

Yo mama is so disgusting that every time she bends

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

Yo mama is just like a campfire -- everyone gets

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

A guy applied for a job at a post office and got

Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

Two guys always catch the train to work together;

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type

(which in our society means over 25) An older

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make

An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't

A couple went to church every week, but every

Yo mama so fat that every time she turns around,

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

An American businessman is on a business trip

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

The was a man named George who got a new job.

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

There was this one lady that bought a jar of pickles

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a

One day Gary Condit's wife died and went to heaven,

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Yo mama is so fat, she wore a red dress and everyone

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up

Three dicks are talking about what their owners

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and

What's the difference between a blonde and the

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on

1. The only place in North America to get bombed

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton,

Q: What do a woman and a tornado have in common?

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every

Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds

There was a man who would come home blind drunk

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent,

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to

There was a woman who was interested in getting

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Why's the blonde's coffin shaped like a Y? Cuz

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill,

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a

You're just like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

1. See how many teenage boys you can gather by

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

(repeat ketchup and liquor after every phrase)

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are taking a post-workout

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

A man sees a growth coming out from the center

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A typical macho man married typical good-looking

Yo mama is so fat that when she took a vacation

1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it, "Form 1040?"

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Did you hear about the midget that went to a

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit

Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

Yo mama's like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day on every

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

Women claim that computers should be referred to

A minister wound up the services one morning by

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Yo mama is like the Internet -- everyone can explore

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

Yo Mama is like a drug; everyone does her, but

What do you give the woman who has everything?

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.

What is everything a plumber needs to know about

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first

Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he

What has more lives than a cat? A frog -- it

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

Yo' mama is so stupid she told everyone that she

Yo' mama like a double decker bus, only costs 80

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

A man walking his son in the park one day came

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

You are a redneck, if you read every joke in this

There was a man once that was always talking about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.

Yo Mama's like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Everybody

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

Why does a red light turn red? If you had to

Yo' Mama is so fat, that when she walked into the

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

To my darling wife: During the past year,

Yo mama's pubic hair is so nappy, every time she

Chauvinist pig: a guy who hates every bone in a

Hey, I heard there's a party in your mouth and

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

What's the difference between yo mama and a chicken?

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume

How does every ethnic joke start? By looking

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why

Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after

Yo mama's like a door handle, everyone gets a turn!

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

What does OJ have that every man wants? A Heisman

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

Why are men like blenders? Every woman has

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and

Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

An old man from a far off land was once on the

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

Re: DNA Test Results:   Clinton, William Jefferson Dear

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful,

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

It seems there was two brothers by the same name

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

A young couple were married and they were having

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

The following letters were taken from an actual

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

A cowboy was passing by a ranch and decided to

Are you considering having children? To determine

Cats' facial expressions. The need for the same

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2)

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing

    Four old Catholic women are

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

    Psychologists have discovered

Cover charge:  $15.00 Round of drinks: 

A man phones home from the office and tells his

10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

-It is always possible to park directly outside

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

    Every night after dinner, Merle

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.Ã, 

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town,

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

    A sixty-four-year-old man is

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Ã, Ã, Ã,  Reaching the end of a job interview,

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) 

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why

Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I work hard because millions on welfare

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." "He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' --

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants,

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. As they

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn 1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved.

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

Try this... On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the

10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?" She said "No." ...And the

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why do blondes have

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable.

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged,

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild,

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Impotence...Nature's way of saying

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

A man went to the beach to work on his tan. In his hotel room that night, he noticed that he had a

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

SUNDAY: 0800 - My 33 Sons 0830 - Osama Knows Best 0900 - I Dream of Mohammed 0930 - Let's

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

*A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big,

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says,

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer

Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes,

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators,

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months,

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained,

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said,

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of