exact

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?WEBSTER: The one that says,

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander,

One day, a farmer decides to buy a new rooster

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup.

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office

This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

Mother Superior called a young novice into her

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

The was a man named George who got a new job.

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich

This is a true story about a recent wedding that

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

Three men sat at a bar discussing the Christmas

There was a man once that was always talking about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

After several years of serving the church in a

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

    The following information was

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to

Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen,

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

A brunette went to the doctors. "Doctor," she said. "Help me. I hurt all over." "Sit down," said

Father O''Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears

A woman is becoming increasingly worried that she might never find a mate. She wonders if there is

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: