family

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family

You are so poor that when I put out my cigarette

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

10. Splash on a little goat's blood. 9. Play romantic

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the ocean

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

An English professor told her students that there

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't

You might be a redneck if... Northern city-dwellers

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top

There once was this guy who was going on a date

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

A redneck couple gets married and are on their

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now,

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want

What's the difference between a genealogist and

A blonde was driving across several states to go

"When you getting married to your girlfriend?" "I

You know you married a redneck when she fills out

A city girl was driving back to town after attending

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

You know you're a redneck when your family tree

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

Yo Mama's so fat that when she goes to the beach

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who

This mafia family was in need of a collection

Yo' mama so fat, she jumped in the ocean and whales

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

John: "Did you hear the one about the father shoe?" Sara:

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

The Tomato family is walking down the street. There's

You know you're a redneck when you have an assigned

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

Q: What''s the difference between a gynecologist

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter.

What is the difference between a genealogist and

Your mama cooks so bad, your family prays after

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

Yo' mama so fat, she broke the family tree!

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

Once upon a time there was a family of tomatoes

Your family is so poor, I flicked a booger on the

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

In prison you spend the majority of your time in

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

Yo' mama so fat, she's on both sides of the family!

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims,

You're so poor that when you take a bath it becomes

You might be a redneck if you go to your family

You might be a redneck if anyone in your family

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

A family was having some people to dinner. At

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married

    A young reporter once covered

1) You define summer as three months of bad

    Marol spent her wedding night

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

Three friends die in a car accident and they

    Psychologists have discovered

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner.

There has been a recent discovery among archives

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

    Dear Son,    

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

An 87 year old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says,

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT: 1. Elvis is dead. 2.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the "total PC experience"

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment,

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all