final

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

In a company there's this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw,

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

Three co-workers are bored during their lunch break, so they decide to go to the roof of their building

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing tothe roof. Firemen are on

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, ââ,¬Å"All

A guyââ,¬â"¢s been dating the girl of his

A woman visiting her doctorââ,¬â"¢s office

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

A blonde was working on a puzzle. After ten hard

A man has six children and is very proud of his

A bear was chasing a little rabbit. "Stop running

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

America has finally captured Saddam Hussein! They

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

At a club, 50 Cent, Britney Spears, and JLO are

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses,

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel

This week, the Bush administration finally released

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll

An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one

There was a competition to cross the English channel

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly

A young mother was having a consultation with a

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for

According to a news report, a certain private school

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so

An English professor told her students that there

Men can't pack a bag. Men wouldn't be caught dead

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

You know you're in trouble when... 1. The McDonald's

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job.

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

A young man was walking through a supermarket to

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

It's finally come out why George W. is pushing

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize

3 men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

There once was this group of strange beings called

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally

There once was this guy who was going on a date

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

One day the king of a fairly large country was

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School

One day, a man went into the doctor because he

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

A man was walking down the street and on the

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy,

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby

As usual, things were not going well at the United

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he

An elephant was walking through the jungle one

A couple were driving to a church to get married.

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start

A blonde was driving across several states to go

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

[NOTE: This joke must be told out loud to someone

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

There was a long line of souls before the gate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he

Why can Captain Kirk hear so well? Because

An old man went to the social security office to

The European Union commissioners have announced

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus

There were these two guys working late in a morgue,

A man gets on a bus with only a nun and the driver.

The world is going to end in three days, so God

The preacher was very distraught after the death

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

A man is fibbing away about how great things

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine

A southern minister was completing a temperance

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

In a small town in California there lived two boys,

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts.

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married,

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

Since Pope John Paul is getting up in age the Vatican

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table.

There was this couple that had twins and they couldn't

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

An old wizard was walking through a park when he

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A reporter went up into the hills of West Virginia

There was once an old pheasant who was chatting

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went

What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

Why did God create man before woman? He

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

A young man joined the Army and signed up with

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

Two guys were working for the city. One would

This is actually a true story that happened to

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

A woman went camping and while she was out she

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says,

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest,

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked

Lesson number one: A crow was sitting on a tree,

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

The pentagon said they had too many generals running

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, ''Hey Donkeyboy,

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

    White House staffers were perplexed

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business

   As you grow older, what lost

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile

A women desperately looking for work goes into

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

A southern minister was completing a temperance

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

    The curator of a Western art

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

About ten recruits are making their first parachute

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

An FM station has a competition where they ring

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

A judge was punishing three men because they had

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

Three couples went in to see the minister to see

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

During WW II an American soldier had been on the

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got

Dear __________________________,    

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

God created the mule, and told him, "You

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

    Dear Son,    

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.... and off they whirled to the land

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

The Best and Worst Comments Received: "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck,"

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday

welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you? So

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up

Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink.

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill.

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training,

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may

Back in the early 80's Chevy Chase was one of the stars on Password. Toward the end of the game this

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist,

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off;

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day,

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting