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US Presidential nominee Barack Obama may have beaten Hillary Clinton but he has lost a Gmail id by his

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

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3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

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Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Bud. The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it, and passes

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

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There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp? One,

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and

What''s that over there? Not a bull, but a person

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A Polish mechanic is fixing his headlights. ââ,¬Å"Help

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ââ,¬Å"Iââ,¬â"¢ve

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The

A little rabbit is running happily through the

A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

Angelina Jolie: I am so in love with my brother

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

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Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face

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A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.

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There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

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What does a old posty bike and a fat girl have

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

Recently, I was at a professional football game

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Knock, Knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? I know

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There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm.

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

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If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when

Q: Why did Gary Condit cross the road? A: To make

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite

How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend? He

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

Joke from our friends in India... Once as Laloo

frederick the slimy cock was sucking penis when

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were

What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream.

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Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night.

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

What do you call a Greek with 500 girlfriends?

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

A true friend stabs you in the front.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

Your girlfriend is so ugly, the trashman won't

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother.

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

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George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under

How can you tell if your girlfriend is to fat or

* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

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This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

As usual, things were not going well at the United

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend

5. "Sure we could have these people killed to

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

What happened when the blonde tried to give her

"When you getting married to your girlfriend?" "I

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian

Two blondes were driving down the road.The blonde

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

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One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

There was a guy, who was the most buff guy, and

What's the difference between a blonde and a corvette?

There once was a lion, whose best friend was a

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat

There was this guy who always went out drinking

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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

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An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office

A guy is on a trip with his girlfriend and he only

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep

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Two residents at a nursing home became good friends.

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's

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One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his

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Three girls are sitting around, totally bored

Two guys were driving down the road when they

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A guy decides it's time he got married. He gives

A southern girl returned home after a summer with

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Three girls asked their mother if they could invite

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his

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A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

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Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest

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Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy

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A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all

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A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving

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Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian,

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There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

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Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth

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Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death

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A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

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Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

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Happiness is finding out your girlfriend doesn't

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

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After a really good party a man walks into a bar

Tarzan falls from his vine while he is swinging

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A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were

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A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

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On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is

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Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman

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One day a blonde and her friend and their parents

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to

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One day there were two boys playing by a stream

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.

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One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

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Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the

There were three strings that walked into the bar.

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Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub,

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

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A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

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Once a man saw a board outside his friend's office

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and

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''I would like to see a woman dentist,'' said the

These two friends are about to go to a club. One

Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House

Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.

Three blonde friends were walking home from a party

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Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

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A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer,

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to his girlfriend?

There was a man once that was always talking about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

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Go up to a girl and say, "Fuck me if I'm wrong,

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

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In prison you spend the majority of your time in

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Yo Mama's so dumb, she went to a movie that said

Dear Tide, I have always used your product

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

One friend was talking with another friend about

A man came home from work to find his girlfriend

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and

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Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

Yo' mama so dumb, that the Psychic Friends only

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie

Monica Lewinsky and her new boyfriend are making

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?About

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law

    There is a man who has three girlfriends,

    A guy sticks his head into a

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad 2)

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

'You Were an Accident' 'Strangers Have the Best

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

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If the government is going to put health warning

These two guys meet after not having seen each

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Are you considering having children? To determine

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

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    What to not say to the nice

Q:  What's the difference between a girlfriend

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

    Four old Catholic women are

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The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

Three friends die in a car accident and they

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

    William and Mildred were married

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

Once upon a time, there was a little old man who

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

    One day, a mechanic was working

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

1. In the company of females, intercourse

    The following information was

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find

Ã, Ã, Ã,  If you receive an e-mail

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

Dear __________________________,    

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

The wedding date was set and the groom's three

    Dear Son,    

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she

Find out what those dating terms really mean ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with

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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me,

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas,

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question:

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 9. She's been wearing an engagement ring

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite

here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica,

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer:

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit

FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his

Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. You don't care

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2.) If

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin,

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained,

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one,

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me,

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl,

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening

I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?"

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends,

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys

A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason