glass

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

Q: In Europe, what do you call a female wearing sunglasses and a big hat?A: A rich ladyQ: In China, what

A young man called John died and he went to Heaven to begin his afterlife journey. However, he was stopped

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a

Yo mama so dumb she climbed a glass wall to see

Why did the chicken cross the road? ââ,¬Â¢

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord

1. "You get this round and the next round is on

A few days before his proctological exam, a one

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

Your mama''s glasses are so thick that when she

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

If you think no Christmas dinner is complete

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

How do you break a blonde's nose? Place a dildo

You might be a redneck if your congregation uses

1) Inflatable dart board. 2) Glow-in-the-dark

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick,

Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

"Doctor, doctor! I need glasses!" "You certainly

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where

You might be a yankee if you call binoculars opera

What did the man in the big yellow hat have to

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

How do you know that carrots are good for your

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks

Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

A penguin was driving his car down the highway

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

Knock, knock! Who's there? Phyllis! Phyllis

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends.

A little girl came running into the house crying

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents,

Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have

A Russian guy was walking down the street when

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found

You know your grandparents are doing it when... 10.

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2)

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi:

10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5%

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,"bless me,father,for i have sinned. "i

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.