going

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where

Bill Gates was going down the road in a car when a cop pulls him over. He says, "Officer, I assure you

A computer walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks over at him and says,

One day Bill Gates finally dies and goes to Heaven. Upon reaching the pearly white gates, he sees Saint

The young man said to his sweetheart,"We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"Grandpa says "Is

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.He

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking

A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a "fuckin bank account".

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.When she is 28, she is a hockey ball -

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that

A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer."

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well,

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.So

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient to assert himself. "Don't let your wife bully you. Go

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding"

Did you hear the Italian Government is going to

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting

There were three priests in a railroad station,

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

A guy was speeding down the road when suddenly

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

One day a man forgot to tell his wife the couches

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived

Two lawyers are leaving the office. ââ,¬Å"I

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A:

Q: What did the saggy breast say to the other saggy

The Principal of an elementary school went into

Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxes A:

There were three astronauts an American, a Russian,

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Your mama is so nasty, when you said, "Mama, what

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The

While going through his wifeââ,¬â"¢s dresser

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car

What's the difference between one of Saddam's palaces

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

There was a couple who did not want their children

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

We have come to learn that bombing really works.

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

A husband is at home watching a football game when

A farmer just got married and was going home on

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

A waiter asks a man, ââ,¬Å"May I take your

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

I hear that Motorola just proposed to buy out Enron

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween? Dead.

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no

Question - What is the difference between a liberal

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

3 men die and go to heaven. One's a marine, one's

A army doctor walked into a room to check on his

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

Mary Lou, the blonde, was out playing in the garden

On her way to Grandma's house, Little Red Riding

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning

People get really upset when you use the "F" word.

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 1.

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the

This guy was having a problem with mice in his

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they

''What are you doing tonight?'' asked the Air France

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

These are excuse notes from parents (with their

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama. He

Q. What did saggy boob say to the other saggy

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got

There once was this guy who was going on a date

A man was walking down the beach when he found

I started my new diet today. It consists of Viagra

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had

A man had a habit of buying things immediately

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but

There was this Indian who just came back from a

What does a guy say when he's going to masturbate?

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank

''As soon as I get out of high school I am going

5. Does this look infected to you? 4. Would

Confucious say: ''Man who runs behind bus is

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being

A man with an average handicap decides to play

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her

These three married couples died and when they

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler

My new computer's the Bill Clinton Model. It's

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She

As usual, things were not going well at the United

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

One day there was a woman who was about to have

There was an older man who'd married a younger

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

1. People who point at their wrist while asking

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

There were three pregnant women sitting together.

Nike Condoms: Just do it. Mentos Condoms: The

Three men were in a NASA conference room to decide

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates,

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat

The taxi driver picks up a nun. After a little

This really fat guy wanted to lose weight. He tried

One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding

There was a brave with no sexual experience. He

Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving

Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when

There was a long line of souls before the gate

A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

The ringmaster of a traveling circus was looking

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery

Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

Confucious say, “Man who go to airport and

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

This Avon lady was out selling her wares. She

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party

"Man," said one sperm. "When are we going to get

10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9.

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

Did you know that they are going to change the

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

After World War II, an American soldier was going

There was a competition between a team of blondes

A man gets on a bus with only a nun and the driver.

The world is going to end in three days, so God

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the

You so skinny, you strap popsicle sticks to your

There was a contruction worker who was working

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church

One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his

A young woman experienced car trouble late one

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing...it's

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one

St. Peter and God talking. God says, "St. Peter,

A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers

A couple went to church every week, but every

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers

There's a man in the prison hospital on death row

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

There was this little boy who had no name. One

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and

Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A.

One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat.

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted

One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus,

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of

There was a man who got into a car accident. He

There were three guys who where rowing a canoe

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day,

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a

This pothead walks into a store and says to the

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one

One day four boys were playing soccer in the schoolyard.

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

A guy comes home early one day from work. And

10) This doesn't look anything like you... 9)

A man and his girlfriend go out to a bar for

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his

A little boy runs across this farmer who has a

There was this virgin that was going out on a date

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman,

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike? A:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

There was a couple who did not want their children

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother

"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?"

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and

One day, three boys were talking about what they

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in

Two golfers meet on the same golf course, on the

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a

A man sees a growth coming out from the center

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta? Oh,

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy

This man decided that on his birthday he was going

There was a guy walking down the street in San

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

Did you hear that everyone in Minneapolis quit

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

There were two blondes as roommates and they both

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from

1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

A minister wound up the services one morning by

Q: Why is sex like snow? A: You never

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the

This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs

This Koala bear hires a hooker on the streets of

How do you know when a man's going to say something

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

There was a guy walking down the street when he

Q. What is the definition of disgusting? A.

One day there were three boys walking down the

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate,

One afternoon, a princess decided to go for a ride

Three women were sitting around talking about their

Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson,

A young boy of four was going into hospital to

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

This newlywed couple is in bed and the man rolls

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

One time at a local golf course three shitty players

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

One night a bartender was closing up his bar and

A woman went camping and while she was out she

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom

Titles Considered for Monica's Autobiography 1.

Three mice are sitting in a bar. The first one

I know I haven't known you for a very long time,

There were three extremely poor men. They were

Did you hear about the new pick up line going

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to his girlfriend?

Two brooms were going to get married, before the

* If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.

One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only

A human skeleton was going to fart in a crowded

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

A man from another country came to the U.S. and

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV

A man who always plays golf sees a beautiul woman

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when

A man and a woman met in an elevator. ''Where are

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

After the church service, a little boy told the

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

There were three women who always hung their laundry

    According to inside contacts,

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A Frenchman, an Englishman and

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

One day a group of eminent scientists got together

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST

If the government is going to put health warning

These two guys meet after not having seen each

A WOMAN'S GUIDE WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE

One day the pre-school teacher said, “We're

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter

A woman going through the change of life went to

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware,

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

   As you grow older, what lost

    For the first time in many years,

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me,

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

The following letters were taken from an actual

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

    One day, a man named Tony died.  

    What to not say to the nice

1) You define summer as three months of bad

    A fireman came from work one

A blind man was describing his favorite sport -

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

Q: Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote for the

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

    Psychologists have discovered

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

    DETROIT--With third-quarter

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

    A young man just got a new job

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A teenage boy and his grandfather

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

Two church members were going door to door, and

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father,

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed

There has been a recent discovery among archives

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

An FM station has a competition where they ring

    The following information was

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New

Our Rights: The following was written by State

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly

1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

The wedding date was set and the groom's three

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers,

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says:

An 87 year old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't

A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION: Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 8 - You take her

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The

A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir, My friend, Buba Peterson,

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!"

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

From : Managing Director To : Executive Director "Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law

10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says,

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as

A guy was walking down the street when he was startled to see a beautiful, young nude girl running

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom.

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished,

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

A redhead, brunette, and blonde are all in the hospital waiting to give birth. The redhead turns

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful (and intelligent) pet dachshund

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one,

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do,

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Dear Diary: Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West.

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons,

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got

So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has just died

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front.

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below.

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A little johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietician. She walked into his office and

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently: "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday.

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk,

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny,

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So,

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

so michael jackson is on his private plane...and he's in the back with a bunch of little boys. So