guess

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired

What''s that over there? Not a bull, but a person

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere

You''re so gay, you could sit on a lollipop and

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

JENNA'S PREDICAMENT Do we really wonder why Jenna

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack,

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One

A business man is trying to find a potental wife.

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

Two guys are in a bar. "Hey, I've got an idea

One evening, a man goes home after an unsuccessful

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

Christmas was just around the corner, and a father

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

5. "Sure we could have these people killed to

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital,

Once there was a blonde driving home from work

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The

Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation

A brunette is walking through the country, when

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One

One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out

Two good ol' boys were driving down the road

One day there were four people absent from class.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing

At a high school an English teacher is busy with

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas?

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed

One day there were two men walking down a dirt

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

An Amish couple had just been married and had gone

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him

1. I think the parking meter is running out, I'll

(Sung to the tune of ''Deck The Halls'') Deck

Can you guess what I am? I am about six inches

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

    According to inside contacts,

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of

A women desperately looking for work goes into

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

    A few months ago, there was

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

Two kids were having the standard argument about

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied

    William and Mildred were married

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining

    Every night after dinner, Merle

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm

Last name: ________________ First name (check

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer) 2.

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"

randpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day. On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment,

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends,

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little

There was a great eruption of a south sea island volcano, and the witch doctor appealed to the tribal

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for