hands

An old woman dying in her old mans hand. Old man begs doctor for some help and says: -Please help,

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry,

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

In a small airplane there were four people: the pilot, the Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker. They were

A technology firm was looking for a new computer

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom.

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

You are so flat, you're a pirate's dream. He can't

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at

1. They always wear protection 2. They

P. Diddy, Britney Spears, and Eminem all die and

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A guy was taking a new bus route for the first

Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with

What do u call a blonde doing a handstand? A

Gary Condit quit politics and got a job at KFC.

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her

In this world God made Eve first and one day he

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

Three old men were talking about how much their

OBJECTIVE To disengage said bra without looking

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter,

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees

Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese.

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

There once was a toad that was excluded from all

What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common?

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if

A construction worker on the third floor of a building

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was

What did the baby digital clock say to his mother?

A very old couple wanted to have children, so

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box

There was a guy that was stranded on an island.

A young man wished to purchase a present for his

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands. 2.Pour

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

What do you get when you are on you hands and knees?

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

Why are clocks considered freaks? 'Cause they have

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across

A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh,

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

10. SHE'S A GOBLIN! 9. I'D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

A penguin was driving his car down the highway

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the

A twenty-five-year-old man walks into a bar and

Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

There's this Amish girl and she tells her mom that

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

A man walks into a grocery store and asks for some

One sunny Saturday morning, the first of a twosome

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says

When a doctor is checking your prostate gland,

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions

A beautiful middle aged woman finally decided to

10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and

A minister wound up the services one morning by

There were three blondes living together. Blonde

Abe and Sara are in their 80's. One day Abe comes

There was a guy walking down the street when he

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves A young man wished

Q. Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC? A. He

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

What do you call a prostitute with her hands under

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

One day a blonde was outside of her apartment on

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out

A blonde goes into a world wide message center

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

Your family is so poor, I flicked a booger on the

This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain

Yo' mama so fat that when she changes hands on

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his

A minister has just died and is standing in line

A college psychology class was studing human reaction

The idea of a guy having two women at the same

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the

What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

    An Irishman, an Englishman and

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection

Ã, Ã, Ã,  A truck driver was driving along

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic

A visiting professor at the University of Montana

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and asks

If the government is going to put health warning

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

Proof That Jewish Was Jewish: 1. He went into

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me,

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

Are you considering having children? To determine

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing

    Four old Catholic women are

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

These two eggs had just been married and were on

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because

    One day a hunter was walking

A poor minister was having trouble managing his

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder

FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego,

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing and concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A

Female Prayer: Before I lay me down to sleep , I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously.

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question,

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

The following story was written by Andrew Marlatt. It first appeared on SatireWire on Feb. 1, 2002

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members),

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

At the Urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist,

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.