heard

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair,

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

A football coach noticed that his star tackle,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party?

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart? Because

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German,

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

A bank robber was running from the law. The police

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

Have you heard about the man who did it with a

A sailor walked into a bar with a small head. The

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says,

A kid came home from school and asked his dad,

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've

A young mother was having a consultation with a

Little David comes home from first grade and tells

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding

Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings Peter

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? He heard that

A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman"

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing

''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the

There once was this guy who was going on a date

There was this guy who lived in Chicago. He was

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends

Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie —

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

The dummy heard that most people are killed within

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

These three married couples died and when they

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.

Bob was joining the army and they were handing

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.

I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat.

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the

We all know those cute symbols made with keyboard

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A little boy came home from school one day and

One night, a father passed by his son's room and

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her

One day a government worker was digging through

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

One day in the city a bus driver was making his

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway.

Yo mama's ass is so jiggly, I heard Bill Cosby

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair

The preacher was very distraught after the death

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower,

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman

A blonde owned a small business that she was about

A woman had been married so many times she was

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.

One day this little girl's dad came home and she

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney

Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting

A plane was once flying over an island when the

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River,

There was this little boy who had no name. One

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

A reporter heard that a farmer had animals that

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and

A biker had been injured in an accident and was

There were these two vampires talking. One says

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could

There was this man who really had to go to the

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all

A little girl came running into the house crying

One day there were three boys walking down the

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend

One night a robber broke into a home and heard

Every day two blonde women would come out of work

Have you heard about the new mint flavored birth

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

This is actually a true story that happened to

A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he

A farmer walked into a bar with a horse. He said,

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling.

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Hey, I heard there's a party in your mouth and

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher,

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead

1) So your daughter's a hooker,and it spoiled your

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he

Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God

Yo' mama so slutty she heard Santa say, "ho ho

Have you heard about the blonde psychology major

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision,

Once there were two best friends, named Fred and

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90%

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word

A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before

An old man and woman were married for years, even

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A.

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at

A young lady was standing in front of a shoe store

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten,

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

    One day a hunter was walking

An Ohio State University mortician student walked

    Every night after dinner, Merle

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

    'Twas the night before Christmas

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down." I am

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya,

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates,

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch,

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive;

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor,

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery,

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and