hours

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer."

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to

Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

James was on the beach, and could not understand

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get

There was a competition to cross the English channel

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

The England team's training session was delayed

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

One day three men were walking along and came upon

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and

A blonde was driving across several states to go

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.

A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He

Once there was a blonde who really needed some

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home

One day while at the White House, the maid was

The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient:

Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make

Dave's friends came up to him after work one day

A man is fibbing away about how great things

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

A married couple was walking down the street when

There was this little boy who had no name. One

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

Horace was born with only one arm but he managed

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman,

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

There was a man who had a 25 inch penis, so he

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant,

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always

Yo mama's like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day on every

1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A guy was walking down the road, to a city about

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving

The privacy partition in the confessional booth

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping

A man claimed he could name any animal that was

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the

There were three extremely poor men. They were

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii.

A happy little mouse was walking along one day

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

1) You can GET chocolate. 2) “If you love

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After

What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and

She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy

    A guy sticks his head into a

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess: I have

An old man and woman were married for years, even

    This is an actual job application

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

      AT&T fired President John

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

Similarities between the Titanic video and the

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    The Penis requests a promotion

$ Michael Jordan having "retired,"

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.Ã, 

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few

Do you know someone like this? A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately,

Me: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T. Me: This is

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

Green Bay, WI Monday, October 31, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Lambeau Field Green Bay Packer football

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi,

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

A man fell asleep on the beach.He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it ...she thought a quarterback was a refund ...she tried to

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. 'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist. 'Why of course!' 'Good.

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced,

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well