house

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go............they take your house and car

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show

Tarzan was walking through the jungle one day and got into a fight with a lion.The lion rips off one

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10,

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

Three vampires were on a tree, each bragging about being the best vampire of the three. All of the sudden,

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu,

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

A guy went to a whore house for a piece of ass, but only had 5.00. The madam suggested that he go and

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the

Here's a dilemma... With all your honor and dignity,

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.

Here's a dilemma for you... With all your honor

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only

Yo house so dusty, even your vacuum cleaner gets

Yo mama so dirty when I walked in her house the

Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

A blonde sat at the bar when the bartender's son

This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

Three men are on a plane. The first one throws

Yo house is so dirty, when I walked outside I had

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s

A man came home from work one day to find his wife

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American

Why did the blonde go up on top of the bar? Because

What's the difference between one of Saddam's palaces

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

In school one day, the teacher decided that in

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

This week, the Bush administration finally released

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil

The American Dairy Association was so successful

What a woman says, what she really means... I

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally

There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Once again the female staff will be offering courses

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good

Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why

Season's Beatings There's gotta be a better way

You're so fat, when you sit around the house you

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

How do you get a blonde on the roof? ....tell

What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condit's

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

How's Your Melon Smellin'? Two women were walking

On her way to Grandma's house, Little Red Riding

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

George W. Bush was caught breaking the White House

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country

A man walks up to the whitehouse and shouts to

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies

A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain

Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call,

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

There's a fire at the whorehouse -- some come out

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife 9)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

A couple had been married for a long time, but

1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom,

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse

All good Southerners already know these, but in

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

You might be a redneck if the most common phrase

One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

What is black and charred and sits at the top of

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money

There was this Indian who just came back from a

Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Q: There is a house. The front is facing south

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were

One Friday night in San Fransisco, a man hops a

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend

There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now,

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

Yo mama is so poor, she needs a kickstand to hold

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside. "5th and

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit.

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson

What do you call someone in the White House who

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house,

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran

One day while taking a walk outside of the White

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom,

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

A market researcher called at a house and his knock

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: What is a double-wide salad? A: It's for people

A guy went to a whore house and asked the lady

Goddamn motherfuckin' son-of-a-bitch, He parked

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to

Yo mama's house is so small, I threw a rock in

There was a guy on a golf course that he had never

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling

There was this guy who always went out drinking

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother

There were three dogs at a vet's office. The

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and

You might be a redneck if the roof of your truck

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs,

There once was a young couple who lived in a town

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his

A brunette is walking through the country, when

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds.

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her

Q: What's black and sits on the roof? A: A paraplegic

One day while at the White House, the maid was

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that

George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen

One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his

A blonde owned a small business that she was about

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things.

Two lesbians walk into a whorehouse and ask for

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

Three men were sitting in a bar one day. they were

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned

(which in our society means over 25) An older

Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying

How do you know if a redneck has been in your house?

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says,

One day MR. GOODBAR was feeling horny. So he went

Two guys are at their house. They decide to play

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons.

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's

A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:

Three men were on a road trip. their car broke

There was a man who just got out of the army.

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a

This mafia family was in need of a collection

Jan.10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The

You're so poor I went to your house and asked

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings

One day a man was planting flowers outside his

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable

A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a

It was the day after Thanksgiving and all thru

One day as President Clinton was getting off the

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house

It is Rennaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy

"Did ya hear I got married?" "Oh, that's good." "No,

One day a little girl came running into her house

How is a hurricane like a marriage? At the beginning

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three

Three nuns used to go to the church from their

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians

Once there was this man whose car broke down.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and asks the

There was this man who really had to go to the

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after

There were three men in a bar. All three were

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

There was a young man whose parents beat him all

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti.

A travelling salesman was out in the country one

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes

A young, innocent couple got married. On the first

Once upon a time there were three men lost in a

A little girl came running into the house crying

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden

During his deposition Vernon Jordan was asked why

Grandfather and grandson, on a stroll on their

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to

Yo mama's house is so dusty the roaches ride around

''Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

Yo Mama's house is so dirty, I tripped over a

There are approximately two billion children (persons

There was a chicken and a horse playing together

Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for

How do you know when it's ''bedtime'' at Michael

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet

What has six boobs and five teeth? The night

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

One day, three flies were sitting in a garbage

Did you hear that former President Clinton is buying

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot

This city guy just bought a 400 acre ranch. He's

Titles Considered for Monica's Autobiography 1.

A grade school teacher was asking students what

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

There were three extremely poor men. They were

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

This guy comes home from work one day to find his

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was

There are 2 clones, one of the clones is real nice

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

Knock knock! Who's there? Amaryllis.

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

As he is quietly watching television at home, a

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly

What kind of house weighs the least? A lighthouse.

Did you hear about the midget that went into the

Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims,

There was a little boy who got up one morning and

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house

When an attractive young girl returned from her

A man was heading to England and his next-door

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead

Girl, you're so flat that when the painter came

Your house is so dirty, I had to wipe my feet before

Yo' mama so fat, that when she sits around the

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

You might be a redneck if directions to your house

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse

You might be a redneck if you only need another

You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A:

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    A guy sticks his head into a

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married! *

Two couples were playing cards.  John accidentally

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

    White House staffers were perplexed

    This is an actual job application

Q: What do a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going

What's green, has four legs and smells like fish?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to

A little boy is playing with his new football and

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young

    On preparing to return home

The following letters were taken from an actual

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

Are you considering having children? To determine

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and

A young man sits down at a bar. "What can I get

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

    A fireman came from work one

This guy is not getting along so well with his

'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked

In Scotland, the most important time for a young

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of

    Stupid people should have to

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

Date     It's the Spring of 1957

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When

    Curators at India's Baroda Museum

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits

Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming

Microsoft's Latest Venture    

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South

John invited his mother over for dinner. During

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention

Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard,

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

    13> Driving your fellow Congressman

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,

Last name: ________________ First name (check

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

God created the mule, and told him, "You

    Dear Son,    

Monica's Diary Entry 1 Dear Diary, I'm so excited!

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in New York discussing about how

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide

Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays (actually these are mostly similes, see Literary Terms) Her

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came

Entries in a Dog's Diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP) Congress today announced that the office

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I''ve got a special game for you. I''ll

To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South. To somebody in the South, it is anybody in

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey,

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong

As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White

It's out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're A redneck when......" 1. You take your dog for

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

Rejected Titles Before Settling on BrokeBack Mountain: HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE,

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage-

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD ... GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

You might be a redneck if .... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - For the longest time I lived with a

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic,

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth,

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends.....

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local whore house one more time before it was to late. They

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition,

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

President Clinton wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To

You are different and that's bad. Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games. What

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment.

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can et a haircut?" The barber

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band,

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table he looks into his small bowl.

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives,

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house)

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux's house and saw a sign that read: "Boat for Sale".

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?",

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. "Hi, is Tony

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked,

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband kidded him, asking how many birds

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks,

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew being an unkempt housekeeper.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"