husband

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper."You had

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:WOMAN: What would you do if I

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:Dear Wife (that's

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy,

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children

A young couple goes to visit an old couple for dinner. The old husband tells his wife "My beloved angel,

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice:

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"Wife: "I'll clean

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said,

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife,

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands preadlegged on the bathroom

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower -

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

There was a man who had worked all of his life,

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. ââ,¬Å"Doctor,ââ,¬Â

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

One morning, a blonde decides to do a jig-saw puzzle

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone,

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?",

A woman wakes up one morning and open the blinds.

A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

Three men are on a plane. The first one throws

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's

A man has six children and is very proud of his

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and

There is this old couple and they have been married

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

A woman arrives home from work and her husband

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife:

A husband comes home early from work and catches

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

"Honey, let's have sex," says the husband. "Wait

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband

A mother goes to visit her daughter. She walks

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous,

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking

While he was rooting around in the basement, a

This letter was started by a woman, like yourself,

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at

Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in

These three married couples died and when they

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends.

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

There was a woman and her husband. They were happily

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her

"When you getting married to your girlfriend?" "I

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was

A man asked his wife if it was, perhaps, time for

Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home

There once was a young couple who lived in a town

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his

A women came home one day with a mirror and told

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon,

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub

Good: Your children are sexually active. Bad: With

Why don't witches have children? Because their

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along

"They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" "Why?"

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned

A husband and wife were having some problems in

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who

Three women were at the doctor's office for the

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner. "If

Most wives whose husbands fool around have to

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but

A couple went to church every week, but every

A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked

A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes!

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

What would a female president's husband be called?

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

This guy is having an affair with a married woman

A woman goes over to her married son's house and

A women is getting married for her fourth time

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel. Wife:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a

Why do wives live longer than their husbands?

"What does your husband look like when you're giving

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where

There was an Asian lady who married an English

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When

An old lady's husband had just died and she felt

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas?

Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised? Her

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

What do you call a women who knows where her husband

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be

A guy is about to be married, and he's thinking

Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering

1. Big Rock 2. Preston Manning 3. Tax is 7 percent

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls

A masked man walks in to a sperm bank, pulls a

What did the woman do when she found out that her

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk

Three women were sitting around talking about their

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday

A Russian couple were walking down a street in

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates

A lady is in a confession booth. She says to the

There's this husband and wife that have twin beds

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years

A couple has been together for thirty years and

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie

A wife comes home and tells her husband, “Dear,

Why can't gypsies have children? Because their

A preacher's wife was contemplating what she

There was a woman who got married. Her husband

There is this couple, and the wife is very self

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together

Why can't witches have babies. Because their

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island.

A newlywed couple were on their honeymoon and were

A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate

To my darling wife: During the past year,

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were

One day this man says to his wife, "Lets take a

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp

Woman: Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make

There were three men working at the top of a building.

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?About

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion,

Two old biddies were talking about their lives

    One day many years ago, a fisherman's

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

An old man and woman were married for years, even

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her

    NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30

It was mailman George's last day on the job after

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,

Tiger Woods     A couple were on

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star

Three couples were married and stayed at the same

A young couple were married and they were having

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

    A few months ago, there was

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband

Q:  What's the difference between a girlfriend

    A fireman came from work one

    Marol spent her wedding night

The perfect man is gentle, And never cruel or mean. He

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller

Three friends die in a car accident and they

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

There was an Englishman an Irishman and

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

When you are dating..... Farting is never an

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).

''Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent!'' ''I'm

    While inspecting their honeymoon

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.

    Every night after dinner, Merle

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out

A married couple was in a terrible accident where

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers

Husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh, that

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2..

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh,

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream,

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed,

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed. "I feel horrible,

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday mor ning service, and she's in tears. He says,

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast

A couple, both bonafide Red necks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest

10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled

A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning

Leah phones her husband at work, "Izzy, do you have time for a chat?" "Sorry, darling, this is not

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single

Who said men don't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his

I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's

She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts,

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

I know you have an interest in poker - here's a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9

I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon,

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...: St. Mom's Wort ~

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney,

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) --Always

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found

blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's

THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all,

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband kidded him, asking how many birds

Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church and ask to become

Three ladies sitting in a doctors office. One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving,

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally

Father O''Grady was standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy came up to him, tears

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor?

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day,

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings.

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"