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- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someoneandwritten the word 'penis' in

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

It was a dark, foggy night. A man was wandering

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a

Three blondes died and found themselves standing

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

10. Splash on a little goat's blood. 9. Play romantic

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor,

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf,

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale,

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon who specializes

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

SEX CONTRACT I, _______________________, hereby

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the

The king of a small African nation had an elegant

One day the king of a fairly large country was

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane. "The

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them

Banana Love Cake Ingredients: 2 whole nuts 1

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run?

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

One day this guy goes in to the doctor's office

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender

One day a teacher went into her class room and

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an

A man walks into a bar and sees a large chest of

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down

1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw

Three tampons are walking down the street, a small

If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do

The preacher was very distraught after the death

A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday,

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for

There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's.

A blonde came home from school one day and said

1. The only place in North America to get bombed

One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived

Q. What's the similarity between penises and fish? A.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by

Always take the time to smell the roses... and

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

Did you hear that former American Olympian Picabo

A young fellow walks into a bar. An old crotchety

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have

A man was walking through a wealthy neighborhood

    An elderly woman entered a large

    A couple go to Mexico City for

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

A mortician was working late one night. It was

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

    A few months ago, there was

Are you considering having children? To determine

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However,

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime

Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is overrated. I don't

13> "None for me, thanks.  That

    Yes, it's hard to believe, but

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday

    The following information was

A young female teacher was giving an assignment

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion

In 1993, the American Government funded a study

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally,

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second date. Senior Campbell's

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! 2.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill,

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office. An elderly

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart

Subject: Story with a Moral Story with a Moral In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Excerpt is from the US Government

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However,

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car,

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the

Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24. Start marketing new "Martha

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However,

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

These, are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond,

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

*Juan the Smuggler* Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous,

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

Programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason