least

- How do you define optimism? - A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. - What is the diffrence

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex He pokes her, she pokes him, they poke each other back

The cowboy walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him"How many sheets do you want on your bed?"The cowboy

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes,

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers

"If we don't change the direction we're going,

A guy goes to his doctor because heââ,¬â"¢s

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, CLASS OF 2003! First of all

ââ,¬Å"No, no, no!ââ,¬Â said the penguin,

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St.

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

A husband is at home watching a football game when

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men" Think

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into

It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2.

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

All good Southerners already know these, but in

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load

10. Nobody cares if you act stupid. 9. You can

Q: What's the difference between Gary Glitter and

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach

What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?

A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie

Once upon a time there were two men. One of them

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

A married couple was walking down the street when

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby,

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary,

* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare

If your wife is shouting at the front door and

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my

One night, a cabbie was driving through the streets

There are approximately two billion children (persons

A man was walking on the beach when he happened

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something

There was a boss who was told by his boss that

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a

What kind of house weighs the least? A lighthouse.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment

What animal rotates at least 200 times after it

If the government is going to put health warning

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."    

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

1) You define summer as three months of bad

I did not do it in a car I did not do it

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's

Run one lap around the office at top speed

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda,

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,

01/20/09 - End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway If You Want a

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful,

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read! I must send my thanks

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian.

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3.

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer:

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * Learn from your parents' mistakes

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

This year, I resolve to ... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker.

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! B... WINDOWS Woman:

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled,

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. --Henny Youngman The best way

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses.

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem