light

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully

Original List aged 20: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5.

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write

A printer consists of 3 main parts: The Jammed Paper Tray The Power Switch and The flashing red light Also......If

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote,

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff,

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple

At Night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his A typical married couple

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious!

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were

RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light

How many Democrats does it take to change a light

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on

Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp? One,

Q: How many bleached-blonde, boney, right-wing,

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a

How many programmers does it take to screw in a

How many stoners does it take to screw in a light

How many marmasetts does it take to screw in a

Stan and John are walking to school one day and

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have

A Polish mechanic is fixing his headlights. ââ,¬Å"Help

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York

Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?The light

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES What is

The British speech: "If you are ferocious in battle,

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors

How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ââ,¬Å"Such

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee

There were two bums walkin down a road. They both

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the

What's faster than the speed of light? An Afghani

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

This week, the Bush administration finally released

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,

What a woman says, what she really means... I

A husband is at home watching a football game when

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off,

1) Compassionativity is not a word. 2) Social

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have

Knock, knock Whoââ,¬â"¢s there? Sorry,

How many old timey gangsters does it take to screw

How many manic depressives does it take to screw

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Ice Cube Mix Tricycle Kickstand Solar Flashlight Dehydrated

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a

How many Republicans does it take to change a light

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks

How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None.

Knock Knock Who's there? Yo mama. Yo mama who? Yo

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he

1. Hijack wheelchairs and speed around the hallways.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1)

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face.

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the

What's the difference between a pregnant woman

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie He leadeth

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your

A few clues to being a true Louisianan: 1. Your

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3.

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor,

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:Once

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in

1) Inflatable dart board. 2) Glow-in-the-dark

What's the difference between a pregnant woman

There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting

Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a

There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said “walk.”

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick

Before you leave your house... 1. Put on a little

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip

Two nuns are at a traffic light, when a man starts

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?

If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on,

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

Yo mama's so fat that when I screwed her, I burnt

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A black cow was standing in the middle of the

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus''

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

Q: What do The Force and duct tape have in common?

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof,

How does a blonde turn the light on after having

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The

12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely,

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine

How many Arkansas policemen does it take to screw

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new

How many Californians does it take to screw in

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway.

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently

How many feminists does it take to change a light

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on

An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What if Data Ran Windows98? WORF: Captain, there

Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light

What's the difference between light and hard? You

A couple had been married for many years, and their

How many yankees does it take to screw in an

What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go? A

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an

A blonde owned a small business that she was about

Guys are so crazy... I told this guy that the

How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three.

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light

How are men like lightbulbs? You have to screw

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

Why did the stoplight turn red? You would turn

After an overnight flight to meet my father at

A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette,

(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.) *Ask

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs

There were three southern belles that were sisters,

A newlywed couple had a slight problem when it

What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You

How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning?

Following a tragic boating accident, a husband

Q. How do you make a woman pick cotton? A.

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island,

How many programmers does it take to screw in a

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina 10.

1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the

A man was out of town on business. While sitting

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an

You're so stupid that you have to turn on the light

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for

How did Bill Clinton practice safe sex? He

How many lawyers does it take to change a light

How many Harvard girls does it take to change a

How many Christians does it take to screw in a

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto,

10) When people go the speed limit in the fast

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2.

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to

I just got a skylight put into my place -- the

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She

Man who stick face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank. They

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb

Q: What do you call a flight attendant's vagina?

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling? A:

Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one

A young boy walks in on his mother in the bathtub.

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to

Two guys are in mental instituition. One guy

Mama always told me girls are like a box of chocolate

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington

How many people does it take to screw in a light

One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first

A couple has just finished having sex. They ALWAYS

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the

One day while a wife was working in the kitchen,

One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor

Q: How many Computer Scientists does it take to

What is the difference between your mother and

Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

(Sung to the tune of ''Deck The Halls'') Deck

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two,

How many teachers does it take to change a light

Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00

Why does a red light turn red? If you had to

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The following are a sampling of REAL answers

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

There was once a man who had problems satisfying

There once was a man from Cass. Whose balls

What kind of house weighs the least? A lighthouse.

How many male chauvinists does it take to screw

Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?

How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye,

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major

Yo mama's so fat that when she bends over, we go

How many interns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many law professors does it take to change

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs.

A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,

    A couple go to Mexico City for

Male Seminarsby Females 1.  Combatting 

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years

      AT&T fired President John

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport,

    Johnny meets a girl on the street.

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for

A male whale and his mate were swimming around

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

70-year-old George went for his annual physical.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false

    A businessman boards a flight

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

This guy is not getting along so well with his

But Doctor, You HAVE To! In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52,

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

    'Twas the night before Christmas

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe"

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking

    The following information was

Run one lap around the office at top speed

    Monica walks into her dry cleaning

    For all you guys out there who

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally,

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

The George W Bush Presidential Lie-berry is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight,

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit,

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,

10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. The midget went to

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted. # 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

Ok now, you and the lil missus is walkin home frum a good day of doin yur cumunity servis hours when

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! May 22 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient

If Recipes were like tax forms.... * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so

1. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's? Drool. 2. What do you get when you put 32

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son,

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people! So, the other

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a competent

[The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t . 2. I don't know what your

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in

1. Put bi-focals on . double check that you're with the right partner. 2. Set alarm on your clock

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman

Here's why . According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,

(This is supposedly a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example... 1) Ziploc Bags- They

World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you. FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW

Male Seminars by Females 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions,

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well,

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to the nearest bar and

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease... ... After all, she had a fast food taco

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. - You design your Halloween costume to

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers... Our next song is "Angels

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried,

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil

Add It Up: Relationship Guide For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking

Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." your

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the

The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,

A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced,

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon

Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot:

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and