machine

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice... My bathroom has inadequate

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide

Yo mama so poor she beat up a gumball machine because

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving

1. If being chased through town, you can usually

YOU might BE a REDNECK you might be a

Not to cuss. Not to cohabitate. Not to use that

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered

December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A.

More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2.

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws

1) The president is not in his/her office at this

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled

Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says,

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City

A man is away on business, at a convention for

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a penny in a gumball

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to

Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true

How many perverts does it take to put in a light

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set

One day Bill complained to his friend that his

The only difference between your mama and a washing

Q: What's the similarity between Monica Lewinsky

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that

10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding

What did the guy's carphone answering machine say?

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your

The doctor was walking around checking by his patients

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick

20) "That's weird..." 19) "It's

      AT&T fired President John

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed

A few clowns short of a circus.Ã, Ã, 

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true

    A herd of buffalo can only move

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It

A married couple went to the hospital to have their

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher

    Dear Son,    

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it,

Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1300.01

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule,

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never

Shortly thereafter Jesse Jackson went to a Sears and started raising all kinds of hell in the appliance

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That''s for Daddys,

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter..... "One afternoon

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. *I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. *WANTED:

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more

This is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer:

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Her face was a perfect oval,

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died.

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and